Over the last year, I feel as though I've been stretched and grown more than I have been in a long time. I've also felt more self-aware and in tune with what I'm feeling and how God is speaking to me.
One thing I've been trying to put my finger on is a feeling that I've had over the last few weeks. See, I have close friends who have recently had miscarriages. I have friends whose marriages are struggling and rocky. I have friends recently diagnosed with cancer. I have friends dealing with loss, and one of my friends was just given the news that the doctors have nothing more they can do for her mom, who is dying with cancer.
I've cried tears - at times doing the "ugly cry" - for these friends. My heart aches. My mind can't stop thinking about how they're hurting. My thoughts run into prayers and my prayers into begging. I feel exposed and vulnerable... raw.
My heart feels raw with the hurt I feel for these friends. It stings to think about them again... because, well, I'm raw. I want so desperately to ease their hurt, to ease their fears, to come up with the right words.
The verse that comes to mind is Lamentations 3:22-23:
"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness."
Because while I can't bring back those precious babies, or take the cancer away, or heal the hurt, God won't allow us to be consumed. It won't ever be too much. It might feel like too much at times, but as dark as it seems, morning always comes, and with morning comes new mercies!
To my sweet girlfriends who have experienced loss in a way that breaks my heart, hold on loves, God is cradling you in His arms and asking you to let Him comfort you and be strength supernatural.
To my dear friend whose mom is sick and facing death, find rest in Him. He knows that this feels like too much to bear, but the beauty in this tragedy is that He is molding you and shaping you to endure whatever this long road may entail. You are stronger than you realize, and you are loved more than you know. Your friends cry tears of sorrow and anguish for you, and we are begging God for mercy on your behalf.
To my friends with rocky marriages, with despair in your hearts and sadness in your eyes, lean on Him, for He will direct your paths. Christ intends for us to have life and life abundantly so seek His guidance in restoring your love for one another.
Oh friends, my cheeks are wet with tears once again, as I feel hopeless to help. I hope I can adequately put feet to my emotions, because I desperately want to walk with you during your time of pain, of sorrow, or of grief.
Maybe one day, this won't feel so raw.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Post Hospital Update
We are a week and a half post hospital stay. Home has never been sweeter and never felt so good to Brandon. I would say that other than the patches of hair missing from his arms from where the iv tape ripped it out, he's like his old self, but that just wouldn't be true.
He stands up a little slower, turns a little more gingerly, and has to stop and rest often. He's very aware of the incision that sits right at belt level on his stomach and we quickly became paranoid about any sudden movements the boys made while near Brandon. He's also quickly become quite joyful at the fact that he can eat and isn't in monstrous pain anymore. In fact, just the other day he said to me "hey babe... I think that in a couple of weeks I'm gonna feel like a million bucks!"
Praise. The. Lord!
He has a follow-up appointment in a few weeks with the surgeon, and then one with a new GI doc to talk about a plan for managing the Crohn's. Until that time, he is to pay close attention to what his body can and cannot tolerate, and his only "real" restriction is that he cannot lift more than 10 pounds.
He has had minimal pain and nausea since we've been home and we are so grateful because we've heard stories of quite the opposite. He tires easily and this is very frustrating to him, since he feels better than before, yet his body is still limiting him in what he can do. He gains stamina and strength each day and I can tell he has improved tremendously since discharge day.
We have been showered in love, and prayer, and blessings through this entire ordeal. We have run into people around town who tell us they've been praying for us, had meals paid for, enjoyed delicious dinners, and received generous gifts. Perhaps the best gift of all has been knowing how loved we are and how our God has carefully held us in the palm of His hand through the last month.
I can't seem to find the words to say thank you, but please know, that the sincerest breathe of thanks is on our lips at all times. We felt our community swell up around us and shelter us in our time of need. I think some of you cried my tears and prayed my prayers so that I wouldn't have to bear it alone. Thank you.
He stands up a little slower, turns a little more gingerly, and has to stop and rest often. He's very aware of the incision that sits right at belt level on his stomach and we quickly became paranoid about any sudden movements the boys made while near Brandon. He's also quickly become quite joyful at the fact that he can eat and isn't in monstrous pain anymore. In fact, just the other day he said to me "hey babe... I think that in a couple of weeks I'm gonna feel like a million bucks!"
Praise. The. Lord!
He has a follow-up appointment in a few weeks with the surgeon, and then one with a new GI doc to talk about a plan for managing the Crohn's. Until that time, he is to pay close attention to what his body can and cannot tolerate, and his only "real" restriction is that he cannot lift more than 10 pounds.
He has had minimal pain and nausea since we've been home and we are so grateful because we've heard stories of quite the opposite. He tires easily and this is very frustrating to him, since he feels better than before, yet his body is still limiting him in what he can do. He gains stamina and strength each day and I can tell he has improved tremendously since discharge day.
We have been showered in love, and prayer, and blessings through this entire ordeal. We have run into people around town who tell us they've been praying for us, had meals paid for, enjoyed delicious dinners, and received generous gifts. Perhaps the best gift of all has been knowing how loved we are and how our God has carefully held us in the palm of His hand through the last month.
I can't seem to find the words to say thank you, but please know, that the sincerest breathe of thanks is on our lips at all times. We felt our community swell up around us and shelter us in our time of need. I think some of you cried my tears and prayed my prayers so that I wouldn't have to bear it alone. Thank you.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Day 11 Hospital Update
Can you believe Brandon has been in the hospital for 11 days?! That's crazy! I have frequently asked myself over the last 11 days "is this real life?!" because I can hardly believe that this is our reality.
But yall... Brandon is doing so good!
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His IV line was disconnected (but left in just in case), his pain ball was removed (a snazzy little contraption that was delivering additional pain medication thru a tiny little tube into his stomach right at the surgery site), he's eating food - real food! - and he's walking laps around the nurses' station! Oh, and he's showered and dressed too!
So far so good... and this may be TMI but once things get a movin' and a groovin' through his system (if ya know what I mean), then the surgeon is going to evaluate and he might get to go home!
We are thriiiiiilled at the possibility of him coming home this week! He misses the boys something fierce and I know we'll all sleep better once we're together again! Plus, we're kind of over this whole hospital experience. I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone has been great. Even the housekeeper (Hannah) stopped me in the hall today and said she missed getting to see me yesterday and wanted to know if I had a good day (yeah - we bonded!). But seriously, I won't miss these things:
But yall... Brandon is doing so good!
His IV line was disconnected (but left in just in case), his pain ball was removed (a snazzy little contraption that was delivering additional pain medication thru a tiny little tube into his stomach right at the surgery site), he's eating food - real food! - and he's walking laps around the nurses' station! Oh, and he's showered and dressed too!
So far so good... and this may be TMI but once things get a movin' and a groovin' through his system (if ya know what I mean), then the surgeon is going to evaluate and he might get to go home!
We are thriiiiiilled at the possibility of him coming home this week! He misses the boys something fierce and I know we'll all sleep better once we're together again! Plus, we're kind of over this whole hospital experience. I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone has been great. Even the housekeeper (Hannah) stopped me in the hall today and said she missed getting to see me yesterday and wanted to know if I had a good day (yeah - we bonded!). But seriously, I won't miss these things:
- sleeping on a "chair/bed" aka a piece of plywood with plether stretched over it that converts into a "sleeping" surface
- fixing my hair in the hospital room
- pumping in the hospital room (and just finally not caring if a nurse or NA walked in while I pumped)
- trying to figure out how to keep said breastmilk cold for extended periods of time after I pumped and before I would get to go home again
- watching my hubby be in pain
- watching my hubby worry
- having to pay to park to visit my husband
- worrying about how the boys are doing not seeing their daddy
- worrying about how the boys will do seeing their daddy in the hospital
- worrying about my hubby while I'm with the boys
- freaking out about germs while being in the hospital
- worrying about work while in the hospital
- worrying about irritating people with my updates
- worrying about imposing on people and accepting copious amounts of help from my friends
Pray with us for discharge from the hospital soon! Continue to pray for no complications and no infection as well.
In other news, this video made Brandon's day. By the time I got to the hospital today, he had shown all the nurses :)
Monday, August 18, 2014
Our Very Own Rainbow
Tonight I took the kids to visit Brandon at the hospital. I was excited to learn that on Monday nights, the volunteers bring dinner for guests of patients so our dinner was provided! What a nice surprise!
After the free dinner, things just went south. Brandon started to really not feel good and Paxton was irritable from not having a full nap today. Maverick is cutting a molar and was NOT excited so needless to say, we didn't stay long and told daddy goodbye so we could get home and he could get some rest.
When we got down to the lobby, I looked outside and saw that it was pouring down rain. Not just raining... the heavens absolutely let loose and it was pouring! I decided we would walk the length of the hospital and go out the far doors so we could walk on the bridge that was covered the entire way to the parking deck. We were almost out the second set of sliding doors when the biggest bolt of lightning and loudest crack of thunder I'd ever heard snapped right in front of us. Paxton turned around and bolted back inside and I'm pretty sure I came off the ground a few inches.
Twenty minutes later, I finally convinced Paxton to exit the building, even though it was still storming and we clutched hands while we scurried to the parking deck. I told him how brave he was all the way to the car and all the way down the road. Halfway home, the skies in front of me were bright and sunny - even though it was still raining - and behind me was black. I looked over my left shoulder and saw the biggest and brightest rainbow I'd ever seen. I immediately got Paxton's attention and he looked in awe as I realized this was the first real rainbow he had seen.
"Paxton, do you see that rainbow?!"
"Mom! Its our own rainbow!!! Just for us!"
It was so beautiful and so timely, I was down with claiming it for ourselves too!
Then he said, "Look at that Mom! What do you think it is? I think its God!"
It seems a little cliche, but I can't make this stuff up. With the storm and the hospital in my rearview mirror, and a rainbow and the sunshine in front of me, I couldn't help but think about how that's how things are looking these days... storm behind us, sunshine and rainbows up ahead!
After the free dinner, things just went south. Brandon started to really not feel good and Paxton was irritable from not having a full nap today. Maverick is cutting a molar and was NOT excited so needless to say, we didn't stay long and told daddy goodbye so we could get home and he could get some rest.
When we got down to the lobby, I looked outside and saw that it was pouring down rain. Not just raining... the heavens absolutely let loose and it was pouring! I decided we would walk the length of the hospital and go out the far doors so we could walk on the bridge that was covered the entire way to the parking deck. We were almost out the second set of sliding doors when the biggest bolt of lightning and loudest crack of thunder I'd ever heard snapped right in front of us. Paxton turned around and bolted back inside and I'm pretty sure I came off the ground a few inches.
Twenty minutes later, I finally convinced Paxton to exit the building, even though it was still storming and we clutched hands while we scurried to the parking deck. I told him how brave he was all the way to the car and all the way down the road. Halfway home, the skies in front of me were bright and sunny - even though it was still raining - and behind me was black. I looked over my left shoulder and saw the biggest and brightest rainbow I'd ever seen. I immediately got Paxton's attention and he looked in awe as I realized this was the first real rainbow he had seen.
"Paxton, do you see that rainbow?!"
"Mom! Its our own rainbow!!! Just for us!"
It was so beautiful and so timely, I was down with claiming it for ourselves too!
Then he said, "Look at that Mom! What do you think it is? I think its God!"
It seems a little cliche, but I can't make this stuff up. With the storm and the hospital in my rearview mirror, and a rainbow and the sunshine in front of me, I couldn't help but think about how that's how things are looking these days... storm behind us, sunshine and rainbows up ahead!
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Sunday Update
Today didn't seem that busy, but yet here I am at 9:00 tonight wondering where the day went.
Last night we didn't get much sleep, between the post-surgery discomfort and pains, the nurses coming in to check vitals and give medications, and having to help Brandon get up and use the bathroom. We saw every hour and then some.
Today, he sat up a lot and we walked the halls a few times! Let me just tell you... between that sexy gown, and those smokin' hospital non-slip socks, I practically have to beat the nurses off of him with a stick as we loop the nurses' station. Add in the fact that his arms have splotches of hair missing from the nurses ripping wads of arm hair out from removing IV tape and I can barely keep myself from kissing him every 5 seconds! - insert laughter here - Because, if we didn't laugh sometimes, we'd cry.
But seriously, Brandon is doing great. He looks great, even though I've been giving him a hard time about his sexy hospital socks, he knows I'm kidding and just trying to lift his spirits. I'm so proud of him, because I know how much he still hurts and yet he's doing exactly as the doctors have ordered and he's up and moving trying to help things heal.
Brandon has to do these special breathing exercises 30 times each day to help prevent pneumonia, and he has to walk to help "wake up his intestines." I know he's weak from not eating for over a week, but he's been a champ. Even Vivian (remember Viv?!) told him he's been such a champ, that she wrote "CHAMP" on his whiteboard in his room where his name goes.
Drumroll...
Today Brandon got moved to soft foods! He was so excited to eat that as soon as the orders were entered into the computer, we got on the phone with dining services and got his tray ordered. He ate a few bites of mashed potatoes and mac and cheese, a bite of a biscuit, and a bite of a blueberry muffin. After that first bite of mashed potatoes, Brandon paused and let out an "oooooooooooooh, those are THE BEST mashed potatoes I've ever had!" and we shared a good laugh, because c'mon, they were hospital mashed potatoes.
Hopefully tomorrow his surgeon will come by and tell us what the plan is looking like from here but we do know that day 3 post surgery is the worst day. Please pray for Brandon tomorrow as his body goes through changes and pains that are supposedly really awful. His body is adjusting to and recovering from the trauma it underwent and now that we've introduced solid foods, it is going to wreak havoc on his poor insides. He is really nervous about how painful it will be so I know he will appreciate you praying for him as you think about him tomorrow.
I have to say that my list of people to thank is growing longer by the day, and that the encouragement I have received from our friends has been overwhelming. Your sweet words have helped keep our spirits high and we love you.
A sweet friend sent me this video this morning and I want to share it with all of you. It is beautiful.
Last night we didn't get much sleep, between the post-surgery discomfort and pains, the nurses coming in to check vitals and give medications, and having to help Brandon get up and use the bathroom. We saw every hour and then some.
Today, he sat up a lot and we walked the halls a few times! Let me just tell you... between that sexy gown, and those smokin' hospital non-slip socks, I practically have to beat the nurses off of him with a stick as we loop the nurses' station. Add in the fact that his arms have splotches of hair missing from the nurses ripping wads of arm hair out from removing IV tape and I can barely keep myself from kissing him every 5 seconds! - insert laughter here - Because, if we didn't laugh sometimes, we'd cry.
But seriously, Brandon is doing great. He looks great, even though I've been giving him a hard time about his sexy hospital socks, he knows I'm kidding and just trying to lift his spirits. I'm so proud of him, because I know how much he still hurts and yet he's doing exactly as the doctors have ordered and he's up and moving trying to help things heal.
Brandon has to do these special breathing exercises 30 times each day to help prevent pneumonia, and he has to walk to help "wake up his intestines." I know he's weak from not eating for over a week, but he's been a champ. Even Vivian (remember Viv?!) told him he's been such a champ, that she wrote "CHAMP" on his whiteboard in his room where his name goes.
Drumroll...
Today Brandon got moved to soft foods! He was so excited to eat that as soon as the orders were entered into the computer, we got on the phone with dining services and got his tray ordered. He ate a few bites of mashed potatoes and mac and cheese, a bite of a biscuit, and a bite of a blueberry muffin. After that first bite of mashed potatoes, Brandon paused and let out an "oooooooooooooh, those are THE BEST mashed potatoes I've ever had!" and we shared a good laugh, because c'mon, they were hospital mashed potatoes.
Hopefully tomorrow his surgeon will come by and tell us what the plan is looking like from here but we do know that day 3 post surgery is the worst day. Please pray for Brandon tomorrow as his body goes through changes and pains that are supposedly really awful. His body is adjusting to and recovering from the trauma it underwent and now that we've introduced solid foods, it is going to wreak havoc on his poor insides. He is really nervous about how painful it will be so I know he will appreciate you praying for him as you think about him tomorrow.
I have to say that my list of people to thank is growing longer by the day, and that the encouragement I have received from our friends has been overwhelming. Your sweet words have helped keep our spirits high and we love you.
A sweet friend sent me this video this morning and I want to share it with all of you. It is beautiful.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Post-Op Funnies and an Update
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Didn't someone once say that laughter is medicine for the soul? Boy, did we need some laughter last night because our souls were so sad. Watching Brandon in so much pain was devastating and heart wrenching. If you've ever watched someone you love be in excruciating pain, you know the awful feelings it evokes in you. Like watching your child fall and get hurt and cry that "what-just-happened-to-me?-please-take-this-pain-away" cry.
Misery. Instant knotted-up-pain-in-your-gut misery.
One of the things we joked about before surgery was how I was going to record Brandon as he was waking up from the anesthesia to capture any "funnies." Some people come out of surgery and are a stitch and their YouTube video gets a million hits because they flirt with the nurse post wisdom teeth removal. Brandon was in too much pain in recovery for me to video (although I did take one picture to capture the sheer pain and pitiful moment we shared) but he did say some things that were all at once both precious (and tender) and hilarious.
I got a "Bethanyyyyyyyyy... Thank you for marrying meeeeee" in the recovery room. :)
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I also got a "Bethanyyyyyyy... I love youuuu. You're beautiful... And we have AWESOME kids." :)
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Brandon kept murmuring all evening through the cries of pain "We are so blessed, so so blessed" and telling me how beautiful I am.
How did I end up with this man? This man who has lived for so long in pain and discomfort and yet he's here in his hospital room telling me how beautiful I am. I am so blessed!
He kept asking all evening and into the wee hours of the morning "am I doing ok?" and "do I have a good attitude?" He's a far better patient than I could ever be! The nurses and aides all love him because he is so kind and not demanding at all. He remembers all of their names and when the aide - Vivian - walked in last night, she thought he was asleep so she quietly walked to the other side of the bed and we heard Brandon say "Hey Viv!" ... I guess they're on a personal nickname basis! We got a real kick out of that!
Today, Brandon has been able to get out of bed and sit up to eat. And when I say eat, I mean, he's managed to keep down a few bites of jello and some spoonfuls of chicken broth. Woohoo!
Poor guy. He's been so long without food (over a week now!), and he's so excited that it won't hurt to eat anymore, that he's been dreaming of everything he'll be able to eat once he's out of here. We can't hardly watch tv without hearing a "oooooooooooh yeah" during food commercials and apparently his sense of hearing has been heightened since being here, because he can hear even my stealth-like moves with the fork gliding through the air toward my mouth and comes up with a quick "what are you eating NOW, Bethany?!"<
The boys came to visit today and that has been the highlight of his day. He has told me over and over that he misses his buddies and that we have awesome kids. Paxton was very good and kept asking Brandon "how you doin' now Dad?" and "can I see where the doctors fixed your belly, Dad?" And Maverick wanted so badly to climb on the bed with Brandon that I had to hold him back! Oh, I can't wait until we can all be at home together again!
His incision site has continued to bleed through the night and today so we are praying for no infection and that it would heal quickly. The pain is being managed fairly well right now and we're trying to stay on top of it so he doesn't get to the place where he was last night.
Thank you for putting up with my constant updates and begs for prayer. We have been overwhelmed with the support we've received and feel so loved. Brandon asks several times a day if I will sit down and read all the messages, texts, and comments to him and I know that is so good for his spirit to know there is an army of supporters out there praying for him. We love you all.
Friday, August 15, 2014
The Waiting Game and Some Good News
Hurry up and wait...
Brandon's surgery was scheduled for noon today but he didn't get taken to the OR until 2:00. We were OK for a while because we spent the majority of the morning praying over Brandon and fellowshipping with dear, sweet friends who came to visit. To those who came to pray with him - thank you! You not only did the single greatest thing you can do for him - pray - but you also helped occupy his thoughts until it was time to go down for surgery. We were able to laugh and share stories and ignore the gnawing ache in our bellies, and for that we are so grateful!
Once back we were back in the OR prep area, we tried passing the time with small talk and taking pictures of his sexy new hat (read: hair net). Then we saw a small child with white blonde hair get rolled past our bay in a crib. The child was sedated and had tubes everywhere. Brandon and I looked at each other and said "things could be worse."
The surgeon told us to wait in Brandon's room and that he would come see us after the surgery was done. He came in a few minutes ago and told us that Brandon did great! He had to take out 18 inches of Brandon's small intestine, that he said was so scarred and swollen that he couldn't have fit the end of a pencil through, it was that bad. He said there was another section of affected intestine but that he didn't feel he could take it out during this operation. He said that we will most likely be able to manage it with medication for a long time but that it might need to come out later down the road.
One of our answers to prayer was that Brandon did not have to have an ostomy bag! We are thrilled that the bag was avoided! Praise the Lord!
Now, we wait again. Wait for Brandon to come out of recovery and wait for him to feel better.
After the surgeon left, I sobbed. I broke down and sobbed 6 days worth of pent up tears and anxiety and thankfulness for all we've been so blessed with. We serve a mighty God. We serve a good God, a very good God.
I cannot seem to come up with the words enough to say thank you to the prayer warriors who have lifted us up and cried out to God on our behalf.
"It is of the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
I don't know about yall, but it sure feels like morning!!
Thursday, August 14, 2014
A Big Ball of Nerves and Feeling Inadequate
It's surgery-eve.
Is that a thing? It is now. Its like Christmas Eve, except instead of the giddy anticipation and sheer excitement about what the next morning will bring, there's a knot in the pit of my stomach - like a big burger eaten way too fast that's not going anywhere anytime soon - and my fingers are trembling like I've had too much coffee. The "I know I won't be able to sleep" feeling is the same as Christmas Eve, but beyond that, not much else can compare.
I feel like one of those cheap plastic toys that you pull back until it sounds like you've broken something inside and once you let it go, it zooms across the floor. I'm pretty sure that if I put my running shoes on, I could run for at least 6 miles. I sit down to write this, get up for water, sit down to reply to more Facebook and Instagram messages, get up for more ice cream (yes, I said "more", don't judge me - its been a stressful week, ok?!), sit down to try and finish this paragraph, stand up, sit down, and basically feel like popcorn, since I can't sit still.
I feel like a big fat ball of nerves.
I'm also feeling pretty inadequate. If I can be truthful (and let's be honest, I've said it before and I'll say it now: this is my blog that hardly anyone reads but my mom so I'm always truthful), I feel like this juggler has just ruined the show. We've always joked that I need a clone, because I have so much I want to get done in life and 24 hours in a day just isn't enough time, but I'm serious. I need a clone this week because so far I've only been half a wife and half a mother, and have made serious withdrawals from the friend bank that are landing me with overdraft penalties.
I want to be at the hospital 24/7 with my brave, sweet husband, to hold his hand, and hold him up and yet I'm only able to be there half of the time. Thankfully we have pretty awesome family members who volunteer to stay with him when I cannot be.
It is a crazy, beautiful thing to feel the love that you have for your spouse expand while you're watching him in the eerie glow of a dark hospital room struggle to sleep. With every tick and beep and hum of the machines in the room, I felt the vows that we promised to one another almost 8 years ago thump in my ears.
"In sickness and in health... where you go, I will go, and where you stay, there will I stay also."
I love this man. And, oh! how my heart aches that he is so sick. I'm a fixer, and Brandon will tell you, I pull out any and every piece of advice I can think of to try and help the situation and unfortunately all I can do this time is sit by his side and cry out to God on his behalf. I have no magic solution, no miracle answer.
Mostly all I have is a handful of my inadequate feelings, and a few tears to go with them.
Then there are our boys. Oh, our sweet, precious boys. My Paxton is so worried about his daddy it makes my stomach hurt. He has always been so concerned about others and will think about those who are hurting long after everyone else has moved on. He goes to sleep asking about his daddy, and wakes up begging me to go visit him. He's very aware this time that something is not right and things are not normal. He is such a daddy's boy that I'm worried how this will affect him.
And precious baby Mav. Maverick - the baby God gave us in the midst of a stormy year. The baby whose calm affect has soothed this mama on more than one occasion. I have craved his sweet snuggles more than ever these last few days and I hope he forgives me for not being there to tuck him in each night while daddy is sick.
I have effectively been ineffective at my two primary roles this last week and this morning, for the first time this hospitalization, I broke down. I was glad no one else was around because it was the "ugly cry." I am so frustrated at myself for not being able to carry the torch as both mommy and wife this week and to be quite honest, I'm trying to hold off the "why this is happening to us" monster at the same time. I'm tired, and I'm worried, but I don't have time to be tired, and I can't show that I'm worried and honestly its all a bit exhausting.
I'm also not very good at accepting help from others and I've gotten a big dose of "well I'll show you" this past year because I feel like all I've done is show up at the friend bank for another withdrawal. To the friends I owe debts to, please know that I am deeply deeply grateful to each and every one of you and I am convinced that we have the best family and friends in the world.
If you're reading this and you want to pray for us, we would be so grateful to you. Our God holds us, our nerves, and our inadequacies in the palm of His hand. I'm praying specifically that God would be glorified through our circumstances and that my husband would be wrapped in a supernatural calm over the next 24 hours.
Is that a thing? It is now. Its like Christmas Eve, except instead of the giddy anticipation and sheer excitement about what the next morning will bring, there's a knot in the pit of my stomach - like a big burger eaten way too fast that's not going anywhere anytime soon - and my fingers are trembling like I've had too much coffee. The "I know I won't be able to sleep" feeling is the same as Christmas Eve, but beyond that, not much else can compare.
I feel like one of those cheap plastic toys that you pull back until it sounds like you've broken something inside and once you let it go, it zooms across the floor. I'm pretty sure that if I put my running shoes on, I could run for at least 6 miles. I sit down to write this, get up for water, sit down to reply to more Facebook and Instagram messages, get up for more ice cream (yes, I said "more", don't judge me - its been a stressful week, ok?!), sit down to try and finish this paragraph, stand up, sit down, and basically feel like popcorn, since I can't sit still.
I feel like a big fat ball of nerves.
I'm also feeling pretty inadequate. If I can be truthful (and let's be honest, I've said it before and I'll say it now: this is my blog that hardly anyone reads but my mom so I'm always truthful), I feel like this juggler has just ruined the show. We've always joked that I need a clone, because I have so much I want to get done in life and 24 hours in a day just isn't enough time, but I'm serious. I need a clone this week because so far I've only been half a wife and half a mother, and have made serious withdrawals from the friend bank that are landing me with overdraft penalties.
I want to be at the hospital 24/7 with my brave, sweet husband, to hold his hand, and hold him up and yet I'm only able to be there half of the time. Thankfully we have pretty awesome family members who volunteer to stay with him when I cannot be.
It is a crazy, beautiful thing to feel the love that you have for your spouse expand while you're watching him in the eerie glow of a dark hospital room struggle to sleep. With every tick and beep and hum of the machines in the room, I felt the vows that we promised to one another almost 8 years ago thump in my ears.
"In sickness and in health... where you go, I will go, and where you stay, there will I stay also."
I love this man. And, oh! how my heart aches that he is so sick. I'm a fixer, and Brandon will tell you, I pull out any and every piece of advice I can think of to try and help the situation and unfortunately all I can do this time is sit by his side and cry out to God on his behalf. I have no magic solution, no miracle answer.
Mostly all I have is a handful of my inadequate feelings, and a few tears to go with them.
Then there are our boys. Oh, our sweet, precious boys. My Paxton is so worried about his daddy it makes my stomach hurt. He has always been so concerned about others and will think about those who are hurting long after everyone else has moved on. He goes to sleep asking about his daddy, and wakes up begging me to go visit him. He's very aware this time that something is not right and things are not normal. He is such a daddy's boy that I'm worried how this will affect him.
And precious baby Mav. Maverick - the baby God gave us in the midst of a stormy year. The baby whose calm affect has soothed this mama on more than one occasion. I have craved his sweet snuggles more than ever these last few days and I hope he forgives me for not being there to tuck him in each night while daddy is sick.
I have effectively been ineffective at my two primary roles this last week and this morning, for the first time this hospitalization, I broke down. I was glad no one else was around because it was the "ugly cry." I am so frustrated at myself for not being able to carry the torch as both mommy and wife this week and to be quite honest, I'm trying to hold off the "why this is happening to us" monster at the same time. I'm tired, and I'm worried, but I don't have time to be tired, and I can't show that I'm worried and honestly its all a bit exhausting.
I'm also not very good at accepting help from others and I've gotten a big dose of "well I'll show you" this past year because I feel like all I've done is show up at the friend bank for another withdrawal. To the friends I owe debts to, please know that I am deeply deeply grateful to each and every one of you and I am convinced that we have the best family and friends in the world.
If you're reading this and you want to pray for us, we would be so grateful to you. Our God holds us, our nerves, and our inadequacies in the palm of His hand. I'm praying specifically that God would be glorified through our circumstances and that my husband would be wrapped in a supernatural calm over the next 24 hours.
Day 6 of Hospital Stay Number 2
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Today is day 3... at least in this hospital... for this particular stay. We were at another hospital for 3 and a half days before we were transferred here, to UNC Hospitals.
Brandon woke up last Friday morning in intense pain (today is Thursday) and tried to get up and go to work. By the time I was supposed to leave for work, I had given Brandon his pain medication and was coaching him through keeping it down. When the pain gets that intense and his intestines are blocked like they were, he starts vomiting violently. Its pretty sad. I talked him through not throwing up the pain medication for about 20 minutes and he was able to get back into bed where he stayed the rest of the day.
We called his doctor and immediately did what he said, hoping we could keep him out of the hospital.
Weeeell, that didn't really work out.
Is this real life? Is my husband in the hospital?! It has been the most surreal experience. I feel like I'm sitting behind a glass window, watching the world go on their merry way, carrying on as usual - going to work, out for a jog, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, eating out, walking the dog, etc - and here I am, sleeping on a "chair/bed" (more like a glorified piece of plywood with a sheet on top) and flat-ironing my hair in my husband's hospital room.
Brandon has probably had Crohn's for years and we just didn't know it. The poor guy thought that was "his normal" and just lived with it. The surgeon told us that after surgery, he wouldn't know what to think, he was probably going to feel that good. He said, "In all actuality, you probably don't know what good feels like." I think he's probably right.
Brandon has lived with stomach pain and discomfort for years and while we tried different things - gluten free diet, cutting out sodas, going to a GI doc - nothing seemed to help. Then in March, when we landed in the hospital, he had a complete small bowel obstruction. From years of scar tissue build up and inflammation. I am overcome with sadness for this man. Years. Have you known anyone who has dealt with pain for years? Now you do - Brandon.
They say that the severity at which he experienced his Crohn's flare up this year was triggered by stress. He might have gone years and years with no obstruction had we not experienced the life change that we did this year. He would have endured years of pain and we wouldn't have known it was Crohn's disease. He would have continued to grin and bear it... and the thought of that chills me.
Earlier this year we questioned the severe turn our lives took and begged God to help us handle our new circumstances with grace. We wanted to ask why. Why were things happening the way they were, but we knew better. Because the God we serve is a good God. One who will never put more on us than in us to bear it up. One who cared enough to name each star, and cares for us that much more.
They say hindsight is 20/20, and boy are things coming into focus now! We are thrilled with where our lives are now - other than being in the hospital! - and know that God was and is knitting things together for our good. This last year hasn't been easy, and things are certainly not the same, but we have been stretched and grown so much and we have seen the mighty hand of our Savior at work, with a front row seat!
We covet your prayers for our family during this time and have been overwhelmed by the love of our family and friends. I will continue to post specific prayer requests, because I believe in "you have not because you ask not!"
Today, please join with us as we pray for the following:
- Complete healing!!
- Clarity and wisdom for his team of doctors
- minimal (or NO) pain and nausea
- a peace about having surgery
- that our boys can maintain some sense of normalcy
- for safety as family and friends travel to and from the hospital
- that our anxiety about other things (finances, work, scheduling etc) would be lessened
- that we can maintain positive attitudes and continue to glorify Christ
Monday, June 9, 2014
Father's Day Thank You
Father's Day Thank You
In the spirit of Father's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little thank you to the amazing guy my sons call Dad.
I remember that night - the first night - and how it felt like the catalyst. The catalyst to something greater, but something I couldn't quite see clearly yet. The night air was crisp and I saw the lights of the football stadium like pinpoints all around. You were calm and collected and I was a warm ball of nerves. I knew it was the beginning, and I was so excited I could barely stand it.
Fast forward several years, 1 wedding, 2 states and 2 apartments and a house later and there I was, trembling again. This time hovered in the bathroom of our perfect little first house, our home, so early that it was still dark out. I was pacing back and forth the length of the bathroom and when the 3 minutes was finally up, I took a deep breath and finally let myself look. Two lines and a very loud squeal! I remember being so upset with myself because I had planned to tell you with a pair of UNC booties - size 1 of course - and a note from the baby, but instead, here I was, squealing and giggling and flinging myself on top of the bed, waking you up before the sun because I just couldn't contain my excitement. We were going to have a BABY! I don't think I'll soon forget the laughing and crying and hugging and kissing each other that morning.
I'll never forget the day you became a dad for the first time, or how you've so tenderly fathered our sons since that first day.
I hope I also never forget today... the moment where I stood over the kitchen counter, fingers slimy and sticky from pulling the last remnants of chicken off of the bones of the rotisserie chicken, listening to that beautiful small voice outside calling out "Dad, Dad, wait up! I can help you!"And by "help you" he means that he'll chase you around with his toddler sized mower, calling out your name, and interrupting the real business of mowing the grass over and over. By "help you", he means that he'll make the process take about twice as long, and you'll have to worry about him getting near the road, or too close to the real mower, or trying to wield your weed eater in the confines of the garage. You'll do your best to read his lips, since you can barely hear his little voice over the sound of the mower, and he's desperately desperately trying to get your attention.
I hope the chicken isn't too salty, because I couldn't help myself from crying over the counter listening to the beautiful relationship that is father/son through the kitchen window. If I have become numb to it lately, shame on me, for it is far to beautiful to overlook. I started writing this post in my head as I separated chicken from bone and looked for a matching tupperware lid.
I know we laugh about how much you don't get a break because there's a 3 year old clinging to your back, or climbing over your legs, or trying to get you in a headlock, but cherish it, because I know is is a fleeting moment in time. In just 10 short years, our son will be almost 14, and that will mean that he'll probably feel too cool to want to wrestle with you, and he'll be long done with the days of a tickle fest. In 10 years, he won't scramble quite as fast to find his shoes to play ball outside, and he'll probably be done with wanting you to sleep with him "for a lil while" at night.
I watch him eagerly await your consent to play ball with him, and giggle to myself when I see him do things exactly like you do. Like when he marched out of our room the other day right behind you saying "See Dad, I have basketball shorts just like you, and a basketball shirt just like you too!" I enjoy listening to you explain things to our son, and watching the wheels turn in his little mind.
So this is my Father's Day thank you to you, Brandon. Thank you for loving our sons and for committing to molding them into caring, loving, considerate your men, just like you. My challenge to you, in the sometimes difficult days of parenting a toddler, is to clamor at the feet of Our Father, to learn and seek wisdom, in the same way that our sons clamor for your attention, ready to learn and soak up everything you have to teach them. These days will soon vanish and be but a whisper of a memory, so here's to putting aside the less important things, and focusing on the 2 young men who carry your namesake.
Happy Father's Day, my love. Know that you are abundantly loved.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Mother's Day Prayer
Every year, Paxton's school does a Mother's Day program, where the kids sing songs from chapel and cute little "mother's day" songs too. Then we go and have "muffins with mom" in their classroom. I was excited about this year's program because Paxton is such a ham, and loves to be on stage so I couldn't wait to see him perform his little songs. Brandon and I were trying to coordinate getting there (me from work and him with Maverick) so that we could get good seats for the program. I ended up running a little later than I wanted and was pleasantly surprised and very happy to see that Brandon had gotten there in enough time to save us front row seats! Woohoo!
The program began and like any good preschool parent would do, we were juggling taking pictures, feeding the baby puffs, and trying to video. It was just as I thought it would be - hilarious, and so very very cute. There was of course, one child whose hysterics did not allow him to stay on stage, and then there was my child... who practically shouted from stage "Hi Mom! I'm so glad you're here!" The entire audience giggled over my child's sweet (and pretty loud) "hello's" and his adorable handwaving and thumbs up-ing. He will be on stage someday, somehow, doing something, I'm sure of it. He's not aware of the "audience" at all, at least not in the sense that he should feel reserved in any way. He does all the motions to all the songs full out and sings his little heart out.
And then Mr. Brian came up to the front and with the microphone started talking about the children and what fun they had in Chapel this year - Mr. Brian leads Chapel every week and is loved by all the children - and began to talk about how he was very excited to have a certain child pray for us this morning.
And that child was mine!
I was delighted! And shocked! And I couldn't stop the giggles or the tears because my heart was bursting with pride and with love for this shaggy headed little boy who made his was to the microphone and began to pray. My son was picked out of all of the other children in his school to pray!
I will update this post with the video when I can! You'll definitely want to see it! :)
Burlap Ring Bearer Pillow and A Rustic Wedding
Recently my mother-in-law got married (isn't she beautiful?!) and wanted a rustic themed wedding and I was excited to help decorate. I hand made the burlap ring bearer pillows that my son and nephew carried in her wedding and loved the way the rustic theme came together.
Here's my son carrying one of the burlap pillows I made.
I was going to buy the ring bearer pillows off of Etsy, but they were so expensive and I thought it would be a nicer touch if I made them anyways. Plus, she could have them as a keepsake afterwards and they would go well with the decor in her home. The other thing is that I just got a sewing machine for Christmas and have been all about sewing crafts and different DIY projects. I wasn't sure about sewing burlap but I managed to sew the edges of the burlap pillows and then used a hot glue gun for the rest of the details. The thing about working with burlap, is that you'll want to start with a little more than you think you'll need because it frays very easily at the edges and sometimes the piece I'm working with ends up a touch smaller than I had originally planned.
Here's the other ring bearer - my nephew! - carrying the other pillow.
If you want to make burlap pillows (for a wedding, or just for awesome rustic decor in your home), get some burlap and then some lace and you can get pretty creative with how you decorate them. I've seen some with lace around the edges but I knew my mother-in-law didn't want that so I just made some lace rosettes and some burlap flowers, both very easy to do, especially if you have a hot glue gun handy.
Burlap Ring Bearer Pillow #1:
Burlap Ring Bearer Pillows 1 and 2:
Here I am with my hubs and our sweet little ring bearer!
What do you think of the pillows? Yay or nay?
Have you ever made pillows out of burlap before? Tips?
Thursday, May 15, 2014
A break in the blogging hiatus
Shame on me for not blogging the most recent moments of our lives! Can I beg the "I've been so busy" excuse? Well, really the only one losing here is me, for I love going back and reading my memories and I won't have some of the precious times written down! Ugh! Anyways, lamenting aside, let me begin...
Maverick is 8 months old... 8.months.old. Where in the world did the last 8 months of my life go? I'm not quite sure, but they quickly slipped away! Maverick has just progressed from the "army crawl" to lifting his belly off the ground and crawling in the last week. We've had to baby proof and now we're busier than ever, making sure he's not crawling out the door or pulling the toilet paper off the roll (YAY for that stage again! lol). He's got 4 teeth, 2 on the bottom, 2 on top, with a 5th tooth poking through on top. Brandon taught him how to clap and its the most precious sight. Those chubby arms lift up and those fat fingers come together, making no sound, but the smile on his face is deafening! Its adorable! He's certainly very pleased with himself and revels in the praise we give him.
I've been making all of his baby food and so far he's had avocado, sweet potato, bananas, green beans, butternut squash, apples, pumpkin, and blueberry. His favorites are sweet potatoes and bananas, so I end up mixing a lot of strange concoctions! He gets very excited when its time to eat and gets mad when its all gone. He now eats puffs too and we've tried yogurt melts but they are strawberry flavored and I honestly think he doesn't like them because they are strawberry! Paxton never liked anything strawberry flavored when he was Maverick's age! Crazy!
Paxton is 3 and half years old. He can spell his full name and can write it too! He was recently chosen to pray for the Mother's Day Program at school out of all of the children there and it was the most adorable surprise I could have ever wished for for Mother's Day! I was so proud of him I cried all day on and off! He wasn't nervous and didn't bat an eye in front of all those people. Then, when he was finished, he got back in his place, turned to me with a thumbs up and said "I did a good job Mom!" How.Precious. #butreally
This has been a crazy season in our lives and I'm determined to document how God is moving. I honestly get excited thinking about our future because we've got such a crazy unreal story already, its just got to have a great ending. How can it not?! Ever the optimist, I guess, but part of that is that God is teaching me to trust Him and have faith that He is in control.
More to come, I promise. More to come...
Maverick is 8 months old... 8.months.old. Where in the world did the last 8 months of my life go? I'm not quite sure, but they quickly slipped away! Maverick has just progressed from the "army crawl" to lifting his belly off the ground and crawling in the last week. We've had to baby proof and now we're busier than ever, making sure he's not crawling out the door or pulling the toilet paper off the roll (YAY for that stage again! lol). He's got 4 teeth, 2 on the bottom, 2 on top, with a 5th tooth poking through on top. Brandon taught him how to clap and its the most precious sight. Those chubby arms lift up and those fat fingers come together, making no sound, but the smile on his face is deafening! Its adorable! He's certainly very pleased with himself and revels in the praise we give him.
I've been making all of his baby food and so far he's had avocado, sweet potato, bananas, green beans, butternut squash, apples, pumpkin, and blueberry. His favorites are sweet potatoes and bananas, so I end up mixing a lot of strange concoctions! He gets very excited when its time to eat and gets mad when its all gone. He now eats puffs too and we've tried yogurt melts but they are strawberry flavored and I honestly think he doesn't like them because they are strawberry! Paxton never liked anything strawberry flavored when he was Maverick's age! Crazy!
Paxton is 3 and half years old. He can spell his full name and can write it too! He was recently chosen to pray for the Mother's Day Program at school out of all of the children there and it was the most adorable surprise I could have ever wished for for Mother's Day! I was so proud of him I cried all day on and off! He wasn't nervous and didn't bat an eye in front of all those people. Then, when he was finished, he got back in his place, turned to me with a thumbs up and said "I did a good job Mom!" How.Precious. #butreally
This has been a crazy season in our lives and I'm determined to document how God is moving. I honestly get excited thinking about our future because we've got such a crazy unreal story already, its just got to have a great ending. How can it not?! Ever the optimist, I guess, but part of that is that God is teaching me to trust Him and have faith that He is in control.
More to come, I promise. More to come...
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Six months old
We've had the pleasure of having my sweet friend, Erica, from Captured Love Photography capture our memories over the last year. She does fabulous work and I highly recommend her.
Here are some of the sweet moments from Maverick's 6 month photo shoot.
My sweet sweet boys. I will always cherish this picture and I hope they always love each other and can lean on one another. :)
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