Pregnancy is this crazy miracle. Stop and think about it for a minute. One day a baby is formed from practically nothing and then grows inside of a woman until she gives birth. The baby is living and moving inside the woman's body for months before entering into the world. That, my friends, is crazy!
I'll never forget the moment a few weeks ago when Brandon looked at me and said "Did you know that in some places, abortion would still be legal for you? Isn't that insane?" I sat, shocked, because I had been feeling my baby move for weeks. Long before anyone else could feel him kick, I knew there was a sweet child inside me, kicking and squirming around. How could any woman abort (aka KILL) a baby inside her, knowing, feeling, her baby was alive?
I know some woman love to be pregnant. Like, they relish in every moment of pregnancy, and the whole 10 months is easy for them. They have no complaints and think of pregnancy like any other year in their life.
If I'm honest (and let's be real, this is my blog - that I don't think anyone really reads anyways - so I'm always honest), I have to say that I don't enjoy pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I love creating this life inside me and love the miracle that happens during pregnancy and am in awe of it still, even in my second go-round. But I don't feel good. I have moments where I feel ok, but I really never feel great during pregnancy. I go through the motions of life while I'm pregnant and I smile and carry on like everything is hunky dory but there's a good chance I'm grimacing inside. Not because I don't want to be pregnant. Because I do. But because I'm uncomfortable and lots of time in pain.
I'm short. Pretty short anyways, I stand at a whopping 5'2. I also have a short torso. This means there isn't a ton of space for a growing baby. And with both of my pregnancies, my ribs have expanded... a lot. And this is painful. My narrow hips also expand and this, too, causes me many nights of pain and sleeplessness. I also spend a lot of time being nauseous. When I was pregnant with Paxton, I was somewhat nauseous every.single.day. With this pregnancy, I was so intensely nauseous during the first 15 weeks that I wasn't sure I would survive. The morning sickness has subsided considerably, but if I get hungry at all, there's a good chance nausea is right around the corner. The task of feeding myself to stay ahead of the nausea is highly annoying. Especially because aside from the frozen lemonade craving and a few other random, isolated cravings, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO EAT. I wish it was simple, but I look in my pantry and fridge, night after night, and shut the doors in frustration because I just don't know what I want to eat. And I've tried walking the aisles at the grocery store. Same thing. Nada.
Chances are, if I complain out loud, there are 15 times I've complained in my head. I'm so cautious about complaining about aches and pains during pregnancy because I know there are so many women who would give anything to be pregnant, or who have lost a baby during pregnancy. I know there were months where I begged God to be pregnant and to expand out family and was devastated when I found out I wasn't. We didn't even tell people we were really "trying" because it was too devastating to me to find out over and over again that we weren't. The last thing I wanted was people checking in on our progress.
So I don't want to complain because I don't want people to think I'm not grateful. Because I am so grateful and so thrilled to be blessed with bringing another life into this world. BUT, being grateful doesn't negate the fact that I'm nauseous, I can't breathe, my hips hurt, I have nerve pain through my stomach, my ribs ache, I feel fat, I get winded when I move too fast, my fingers and ankles are swollen, my skin feels like its going to explode, I'm having annoying Braxton Hicks contractions several times every hour, I fight obnoxious amounts of phlegm and snot every day, my back is screaming at me, I'm constantly hungry, I'm tired, my feet hurt, I'm hot, I have to pee 3 times every night, coffee (one of my favorite things ever) makes me gag, my nose is on serious high alert and can pick up smells that will make me sick in a nanosecond, some foods that I usually love taste different, I can't reach my toes to paint them (and its summer!), its hard to shave my legs, I can't stand or sit too long before I'm miserable, I'm not comfortable... ever. ETC.
So, the truth about pregnancy for me is that while I don't enjoy feeling miserable the majority of a year, I relish in the fact that I'm growing a sweet miracle who I know is going to change my life and I am so incredibly grateful that God picked me to carry this baby until he comes into the world.
The truth is, I'll probably want to do this again in a few years, and unless something is drastically different, I'm probably spend 10 months silently complaining to myself about how badly I feel but knowing that I am wildly blessed. There's just nothing quite like looking at my baby boy and realizing that every ache and pain is erased because he is worth it a thousand times over.
The truth is, I'm incredibly grateful.
