Things I Don't Want To Forget

I've often said throughout this little blog that I have a terrible memory. Its true. I can't remember so much that I wish I could. Honestly, I attribute it mainly to my own little version of PTSD. My family went through a traumatic shattering when I got home from my freshman year of college. By shattering, I mean just that. Picture a beautifully clear window, with no imperfections, fresh coat of paint around the edges. Now picture a sledgehammer swinging through the early summer breeze and creating tiny shards of splintered glass. I can almost hear the noise, almost feel sharp edges of barely visible pieces of glass pricking my arms.

We were never the same. Sure, we were versions of ourselves, but mainly masks over cut and bleeding selves for a long time. The psychology of the whole thing - a divorce - is mind-blowing, almost too much. I would argue that these events changed me - and Mom and Josh - literally. All three of us have battled terrible memories since these events. Now you might laugh at this, but I don't remember having a bad memory prior to this. But seriously!

I didn't even mean to write all of that, but now that its done, I think I'll leave it. Sorry to have started out such a fun post with such a depressing story. If it helps at all, we have all moved on and are happy. Simply, wonderfully, happy. And time will tell, but for now, we're ok. Thank you, Lord.

Anywho... on to the memories I just can't bear to forget.

I've had a few moments of pregnancy brain so far this pregnancy and they are just too humorous to forget. There was that one day a few weeks ago when I left my keys at Michaels and the cashier had to come running after me because I was oblivious. In my defense, I would have probably figured it out eventually :)

The next pregnancy brain moments is one of my favorites. I was picking Paxton up from the sitter's house and was busy writing her a check when she interrupted me. She looked at my quizzically and said "Made to the order of... Paxton??" I wrote a check to my 2-year-old. Hilarious!

The other day I had picked Paxton up after work and as we were driving down the road, I asked him how his day was, what he did, etc. Then I asked him what he had for lunch, and he answered. Then I asked if he had a snack and his response made me immediately burst with laughter. He said "Mom, I've already answered this question. Please do not ask me that again." This kid!

Another Paxton-ism while we were driving down the road the other day... I heard from the backseat soft singing (as I usually do when we're in the car, you know, Wheels on the Bus, The Farmer in the Dell, etc) then abruptly "Goodness gracious! We're gonna have to get some scissors and cut that!" I have no idea what he was referring to but my little toddler sounded so grown up!

Fear Versus Peace

This may be one of the longer posts I've written, so you've been warned!

Do you ever hear a still, small voice whispering things to you that you don't want to hear? I'm not talking about the voice telling you to eat that third cupcake, I'm talking about the voice that whispers serious change in your future. I'm talking about God preparing you for the road ahead.

I am 21 weeks pregnant.

I've heard that voice since the beginning of this pregnancy, whispering - almost inaudibly - that something will be wrong with this baby. I have chosen to ignore this voice for almost 20 weeks. I have not mentioned the whisperings to Brandon, nor spoken them aloud to anyone else, for fear that if I voiced them aloud, they would be true.

Two weeks ago, something that I can only think of as being divine happened. My stepfather called with   news that he suddenly had an extra ticket to the golf tournament in Charlotte and he wanted Brandon to go with him. I joked with my Mom and said I wanted to crash their guys weekend, take Paxton with us and go for a spontaneous weekend getaway. Well, we ended up doing just that. Deryl upgraded the hotel reservation, and we all piled in the car Saturday morning and set off for a fun weekend in Charlotte. Sunday morning Brandon and Deryl went to the golf tournament and here's where the divine happened.

Mom, Paxton and I attended Elevation Church Sunday morning. During the last worship song before Pastor Steven came on stage, to the words about God's glorious grace, I clearly heard a voice tell me that something would be wrong with my baby. The voice also told me that even though this was the case, not to worry because God already knew and was preparing Brandon and I to be able to handle this. Pastor Steven came out on stage during that song and talked about God's grace. How grace literally meant weight and God's grace wasn't a puny grace, it was a weighty grace that was enough. Enough.

The strangest thing happened.

I felt fear and peace battle each other all morning. I could not keep it together. Big, wet, elephant tears streamed down my face the entirety of the church service. The message was actually a Q&A about God's Will and e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g that was said, was said to me.

I cried because I did not know what was wrong with my baby. I cried because I didn't know if there was something I had done to harm my baby. I cried because I was afraid of what it could be. I cried because I wasn't sure I could be strong enough.

I cried because I was ashamed that I wasn't sure I trusted that voice telling me it would be ok.

Leaving that church I knew I was being prepared for some measure of uncertainty in the rest of this pregnancy. I was calm because, well, I don't know why. I was just calm. Afraid, but calm.

I was able to barely whisper my fears to Mom on the way home from Charlotte, only because I know what a prayer warrior she is and I knew I needed that.

I didn't get up the nerve to tell Brandon my fears until a few nights later. Our conversation went a little like this: "Babe, I have something to tell you." By the seriousness in my tone, Brandon slowly turned to pay full attention. "I think God is telling me that there is something wrong with the baby."

Brandon looked away and said "He's been telling me too."

And then I cried some more. I told him about the voice I'd heard since the beginning of the pregnancy and my experience at Elevation Church. I told him how afraid I was, but that I had been praying almost non-stop for clarity and peace and that I thought God was already preparing us to be the parents of this child. We shared an intimate moment talking about our fears and about how God was busy assuring us.

Two days later we had our ultrasound. While we were excited about finding out the sex of our baby, we were both very anxious about hearing the ultrasound technician tell us what was wrong with the baby.

As she looked at our baby, she reassured us things were looking great and if she didn't say so, we asked, and then she would tell us. I was feeling so much better. I saw a healthy brain, a beating heart, tiny ribs, and all 4 limbs.

And then we looked at the kidneys. "I'm seeing something with the kidneys, but you aren't hearing this from me," she said. And while the blood rushed to my ears and muted my hearing, I was able to hear her say "The doctor will tell you more about this and I don't want to alarm you, but he will want to talk to you about your baby's kidneys being filled with excess fluid."

I had to remind myself to breathe.

The scan continued and I tried to get excited about the fact that we were going to learn the gender soon. We had asked that the technician not tell us, but rather seal up the results so we could have a gender reveal party.

The wait after the scan until we got to see the doctor seemed like forever. We took pictures with our sealed envelope, checked our email, and talked nervously in spurts. And then I made the mistake of googling. Note to self: Don't google medical conditions when you're pregnant because it seriously just leads to major anxiety. When we finally got to talk with the doctor, the only thing on my mind was the baby's kidneys. The doctor confirmed that the baby's kidneys were swollen and filled with excess fluid. He also assured us that this was a fairly common occurrence and would likely clear up before our next ultrasound, which would be in four weeks.

I kept feeling that calm feeling again.

My experience the last 2 weeks I'm sure mirrors lots of other couples'. I heard God speaking to me gently at first and then He knew I needed to be prepared for our ultrasound so He spoke more loudly and grabbed my attention. I'm not sure I've ever felt anxiety and peace at war like I did over the last week. I'm not completely at peace, and won't be until our next ultrasound, but the worry isn't all consuming like one might think. I am resting in this fact: God has been preparing Brandon and I to be the parents of this child and we are being equipped in ways we aren't even aware of yet. God won't give us anything we can't handle, and we know we will love this child no matter what.

I am quite sure that my child is perfect. This baby is being perfectly shaped to fit into our lives and perfect for us. I am thrilled that we are being entrusted with another life and I can't wait to meet this baby.

If you're reading this, we would be honored if you would join with us in prayer for our baby.

Week 19 and 20 Pregnancy Comparison Pictures

I've been slacking on posting lately. Honestly I've been so busy with life (work, blogging at Penny Filled Pantry, family, working out, and planning an awesome party- stay tuned) that I haven't had time to post here.

Here is what I looked like at week 19:

Here's my comparison of what I looked like at 19 weeks during my 1st pregnancy versus what I looked like during 19 weeks this pregnancy:

Here is what week 20 looked like:

Here's what week 20 looked like during my first pregnancy versus pregnancy number 2:

Stay tuned for our gender reveal soon!