Continue the journey with us

I love this space... I love this blog. This is where I fell in love with blogging. Where my memories from the last 6 years are stored and where you read too many details of my emotions.

The time has come to broaden the journey, so join us for more memories, laughs, and probably a few tears too, at

TheDelkProject.com.

We'll see you there :)

A Hospital Update and Thank You

For those of you who have been praying, thank you! Brandon is HOME! Those words are so sweet to type! I sleep so much better when all 4 of us are under the same roof at night!

Before you run off to celebrate, stick around, because we still need your prayers! ;)

Brandon is scheduled to have surgery on October 7th... the key word here is "scheduled." He may not make it until then, but as of right now, that is the plan. (Plan is a funny word to me... for all my fellow planners out there, you may be chuckling too, because for all our best intentions and plans, lots of times it just doesn't work out that way!)

Everyone has asked, "how is Brandon?" And I say "better" because he is... he isn't laying in a hospital bed on the GI Surgery Unit, but "great", and even "good" are a bit of a stretch. He's eating like a bird, because that's all his body will allow for, and I don't know how the man is functioning. If I don't eat for 2 hours, I'm irritable and lightheaded, and bordering on "hangry." (Hangry = hungry + angry) From the outside looking in, you'd think he was fine. He's a magician of sorts, and pleasant. So, so pleasant. The nurses and hospital staff love him. When we were discharged, they gathered in a crowd around the nurse's station and wished us well (and a happy anniversary too! How sweet of them!). I think that is such a testament to what a pleasant patient he is - the man doesn't complain! I gladly do all the complaining for the both of us - sorry yall, that finds its way to this blog a lot of times...

We stuck close to the house this weekend because his stomach wasn't all that happy with him, and so we figured it would be best to enjoy some family time around the house. And getting ready for Brandon to undergo major abdominal surgery again is ironically a lot like getting ready to have a baby. There's lots of preparation and nesting and laundry getting done around here. I feel like I can't rest until my house is clean, the boys have clean clothes that will last a week, and Paxton's lunches are portioned out and ready to dump in his lunch box each day. My fear is that we won't make it to October 7th and I'll be desperately calling my neighbor down the street to come take the boys to school and I'll need everything in order, so I don't have a breakdown.

And speaking of not having a breakdown, I've had some really sweet friends show just what friendship looks like lately. Everything from getting cards in the mail, to finding flowers and gift cards on our doorstep, to having meals for a week hand delivered today, we've been loved on and prayed over. The roses on my counter remind me that there are sweet friends praying for our family and willing to sacrifice so they see we stay sane in this crazy time. The meals in my fridge remind me that there are people who care enough to provide hot meals for my family. The Panera and Walmart gift cards say "I know you won't have time to fix dinner between hospital visits" and "let us buy groceries since Brandon will be out of work." All of these acts of kindness - not to mention these - are wonderful, beautiful reminders that we aren't alone and that we are loved.

Thanks for sticking with us during this absolutely unexpected and unpredictable wild ride we've been on the last 2 years. For now, you can join us in praise that Brandon is home and in prayer for his surgery on October 7th. We love you, friends, we love you so much! We are richly blessed!

Crohn's Hospital Day 2 Update

Our Crohn's Hospital Stay Update...

I hope I'm not annoying with these updates. I sometimes feel like a broken record, like "please pray for us. We're withdrawing again from the friend bank, sorry!" Ugh, so if I'm being annoying, I really am sorry. I don't intend to be. Most of the time these start out as Facebook status updates and end up obnoxiously long so I put them on my blog instead.

Anyways, today was day 2 of Brandon's 4th hospital stay for Crohn's Disease. Crohn's is a no-fun, nasty, mean, no-good disease. He feels bloated, in pain, and hungry. Really, really hungry. The kind of hungry where you don't want to eat because you feel sick, but you're just hungry. And, as someone put it today, "90% of the commercials on the hospital tv channels are about food." Totally true.

The GI team and the GI surgeons have both been by to see him and he's basically been told that there's nothing additional that the medical side of the teams can do, and that he will need to undergo another surgery to remove the part of his small intestines that is scarred over with scar tissue.

We've known it was coming for a long time. The signs and symptoms were all there and we were on pins and needles waiting for this to happen. So here we are, in the hospital again and everyone is finally agreeing that no, this isn't great quality of life, and its time to do something about it.

So we wait for his surgeon to come tomorrow to tell us when he will have surgery, and we pray - feverishly and without ceasing - that his procedure will go just as smoothly as last year's and that he will NOT have to have an ostomy bag. If you don't know what that is, Google it, and then you'll know why we are praying so hard. Please, please join us in prayer over this. We serve a mighty God, the ultimate Physician and Healer and we know He is able to do anything.

Thanks for putting up with my obnoxious emotional posts and for praying with us and for us. Just yesterday, my best friend reminded me that ironically, it is sometimes the toughest times in life where it is revealed to us just how blessed we are. I couldn't agree more. Although we're facing the unknown in Brandon's health, and fear over our finances, and anxiety over keeping the boys' lives as normal as possible right now, we realize just how blessed we are. We are rich in friends and family, and our cup runneth over.

I've been praying that God would use our family to shine Christ brighter than ourselves and to give us the platform with which to accomplish that goal. I wonder if this is it. I don't know how, and I don't know why this, but I know that I trust Him, and I've heard His whispers. In the quiet of the wee morning hours, and in the middle of the bustle of the day, I've heard him clearly say "Be still, Child, and trust me." Exodus 14:14 says "The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still." This alone is enough to rock me to my core, but if it doesn't for you, do you know the context of this verse? The Israelites were fleeing out of Egypt away from Pharaoh and as the Egyptian army was chasing them, they were terrified. They looked to Moses and cried out in fear "Why did you take us here? It would have been better to serve the king as slaves than to die in the desert!" Then God told Moses to part the Red Sea so that His people would see He is Lord. The Israelites were facing an impossibility. They were caught between a huge body of water and an army of angry Egyptians who were ready to slay them and it must have taken huge faith to say "yes, Lord, we will be still and let you fight for us." Can you imagine watching the waves of the sea roll apart and form a wall on either side of you? Can you imagine how awestruck you would be? Can you feel the adrenaline pumping as the fear of being chased collided with the knowledge that you must walk - no, run! - through the walls of the... SEA?!

That's how I feel sometimes. Like God is saying "I know it feels impossible, but be still and let me fight for you, child. I work miracles and am in the business of impossibilities. Trust me."

Ok, Lord. Let us tackle Monday and the rest of this week being still. My brain has Exodus 14:14 on repeat, and I keep thinking about Matthew 6 too... "Do not worry about tomorrow... Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and God will provide all your needs." That's a basic summary of that passage, so don't quote me, but I love the message there. I hope someone else out there can use that this week.

Will post the next Crohn's update when I can...

Crohn's Attack Number... ?

I briefly had the thought this morning that I couldn't remember which number hospital visit this was... don't worry, I figured it out. This is visit number 4 (5 if you count the fact that one visit we were at 2 different hospitals).

...

Brandon and I were so excited about this weekend. First off, we had both arranged for our moms to watch the boys for our anniversary - Brandon's mom on Friday night and my mom was coming to watch them Saturday night. I mean 9 years - that deserves some celebrating, ya know?! #boom PLUS, our church's 3 year anniversary is Sunday and we were stoked about celebrating. Brandon had worked hard on some of the details of the day and I personally was looking forward to the food trucks after the service :)

We went out to dinner last night while Joan watched the boys for us and had a great time. Ironically, Brandon chose not to have a salad with his meal because he didn't want to aggravate his stomach...

...

At 4 this morning, he woke up in severe pain and went downstairs to try and wait it out. About an hour later he came and woke me up and about 15 minutes after that he started violently getting sick. (Maybe too many details, but this is our normal now so sorrynotsorry.) We called his mom to see if she could come stay with the boys so we could go to the hospital and Brandon quickly went downhill. I ended up calling a dear friend who lives down the street and at 6 o'clock on a Saturday morning, she graciously showed up at my doorstep with her baby to stay with the boys. Thank you thank you thank you.

I'll try not to be so longwinded, but I have to share this small victory with you. When we arrived, the waiting room was about 3/4s full and every new patient was being told it was over an hour wait. A patient who had been there for a while already came up to the front to ask how much longer and she was told she would be next. I texted some close friends and family and asked them to begin praying for a bed for Brandon. Within 10 minutes we were taken back - even before the "next" patient! He is on a stretcher in the hallway, but his care was started and we are so grateful and celebrating that miracle!

Crohn's stinks, and we're waiting on scan results now... I have this funny feeling we're looking at surgery this time around, but our God is good and I trust Him!

Please join us in prayer! We love you all and will update when we can!

And just like that, our Maverick is TWO!

Two years ago at this time, I was sitting on my mother-in-law's couch in clothes that barely still fit timing contractions and praying for them to continue. If I close my eyes, I can remember how the low lighting from the lamps in the room, how swollen my feet felt (after all, I had walked 4 miles the days before trying to induce labor, and worked all day that day), and the torment I felt wondering if it was the right decision for Brittney to come home from the mountains. I remember feeling so torn because I knew I was having contractions, but I knew they weren't coming regularly either, and I was going to feel really bad if she took Corben out of school and drove 3 hours home for nothing, especially since I was still 11 days from my due date.

I remember sinking back into the burgundy cushions, and praying, begging God to please let these be real contractions. I couldn't be pregnant another day. The skin across my belly actually hurt it was so stretched thin. My skin was wrecked with stretch marks (that I was already depressed about, but whatever, I could only focus on trying to keep having contractions at this point) and my back ached, and my ribs screamed.

I woke up in the middle of the night that night and I knew. I knew I was having a baby the next day. I was so excited I could barely go back to sleep. I crawled back in bed and whispered to Brandon that we were going to have a baby that day and to go back to sleep, that I would let him know when it was time. At 7:00am, my eyes popped open with the pain of a very real, very pronounced contraction. I was ecstatic! I immediately grabbed my phone and began timing the contractions. We were having a baby!

(Side note: at this point I stopped blogging and went back to read Maverick's birth story, which maybe I'll post after I take some of the TMI details out.)

Fast forward 23.5hours later and I was holding my precious baby on my chest. I know this is going to sound so cliche, but I needed that baby. God knew exactly what I needed at that time in my life, before I ever knew I needed him. If you've followed our story over the last 2 years, or know what we've been through at all, you may know that essentially our world has been turned upside down, and then shaken up for good measure. I'll give a quick synopsis to catch you up to speed: In the last 2 years we've had a baby, sold a house, bought a house, totaled a car, bought a car, changed jobs,  and changed our church. (More on this later)

Maverick was literally the calm in the storm. He was a baby who rarely fussed, barely ever cried, and had the affect of an angel. People routinely asked if he ever made a peep, and I got to the point that I actually craved my baby. It was like I needed him to recharge, like he was the focal point in a spinning world. In a way, I was clinging to God by clinging to my baby. If you've ever been in a place in your life where you feel desperate for God to take over, you know what I mean. Maverick kept me grounded, and kept me sane. When I felt like I was spiraling out of control as parent of a wild 3 year old, Maverick assured me it would be OK. When I was nervous about being in the way or being too loud in someone else's house (I was living with my mother-in-law and didn't want to be a nuisance!) Maverick's calm spirit would assure me it would be fine. When I worried about our jobs and our future and our finances, Maverick was there. He was the constant in a life that seemed to be always evolving. So much changed in such a short period of time in our lives and to know I could count on his sweet temperament was gold.

I sometimes think back to those crazy months, and wonder if I clung to Maverick too much, but then I stop and think that maybe that was God's gift to me. An anchor in the midst of a stormy sea. A lifeline to hold onto until the waves calmed. Either way, the child was an angel and any thought about being able to love him as much as Paxton dissolved right away. My heart grew for that child and I cannot imagine our family without him.

Two years later and I still find myself sitting back to watch him in awe. This sweet child, who looks so much alike and yet different from his older brother, is such a beautiful complement to our family. He's starting to talk so much now, and its like this really fun game that we get to play all day with him, piecing together the words he says to repeat back to him the sentence he wants to say.

"Mommy. Fast Choo Choo. Go. Mommy" Translation: Mommy, go fast like a train (choo choo).

"Daddy. 'Poon Peas. Help. Eat Daddy." Translation: Daddy, help me eat with my spoon please.

"Daddy. 'Pit. Llama. Daddy. Face. Hahahaha" Translation: Daddy, the Llama spit in your face. Hahaha"

He says pretty much whatever he wants to say, and can get his point across 95% of the time.

I love this child with my whole heart and I'm so grateful that God gave him to us. I honestly can't imagine life without him and lately I've found myself praying more and more for his future. I'm so excited to see his personality develop (Lawd, is he stubborn. Even more so than Pax!) and I recognize a fierceness in him that I see in myself. I love the way he demands to be rocked before agreeing to lay down in bed, even if its for just minutes. What mom doesn't secretly want to snuggle their baby before bed?! I cherish the little fishy kisses he gives and I hope he never outgrows giving those. I adore that mischievous smile and those pudgy little fingers. I still giggle when we're going through the "where are your eyes? Where are your toes?" game and he shouts with glee ELBOWWWW and grabs his little knees like he's just pulled the biggest trick on us. :)

I love that he says "Peas" and "Thank you Mommy" and "'mon"(short for c'mon).  And I hope I always remember the way he says "Hold Jew" (Hold you... which means "hold me mommy") and holds his little arms up to me.

I love this baby. I really can't put it into words. I just can't but I wish I could. I hope he knows just how precious he is and how his Daddy and I pray for him and his future spouse and his salvation.

To my sweet, precious Mavvy: You are so special and important and so loved. Be kind - overly kind - and think of others. You are smart and thoughtful, so use those qualities to love others in a big way and do big things. Your daddy and I are rooting for you and will always, always love you. These 2 years are chock full of memories with you and I'm so blessed to have a lifetime more to look forward to. I love you, sweet Mav, and Happy Birthday. Happy, happy birthday!

How to Avoid a Stomach Bug Once You've Already Been Exposed

If you know me at all, you know that I have a phobia about throwing up. Like, I have a serious fear. I can count on one hand how many times I've thrown up since the fifth grade. The anxiety that comes over me when I hear that someone I know has the stomach bug is serious. I get cold sweats (yes, I really do), and I usually think about it so much that I end up feeling nauseous myself!

Since I have this phobia, I have done all sorts of research on how to do everything in my power to not throw up. Since we're coming up on germ season and I already know of several people who have had some sort of tummy bug this week, I thought I'd share my research and info with you.

Here's how I avoid the stomach virus when we've been exposed:

• First off, WASH YOUR HANDS! I repeat WASH YOUR HANDS! Lots! All the time! After you touch anything. Or anyone. Or go anywhere. This may seem excessive, but trust me, its necessary. Ok, maybe a little excessive, but honestly, when I think about all the germs I could be picking up and putting in my body if I don't wash my hands, I get a little creeped out. I mean, ew. 

• You have to build/maintain a strong immune system. One of the best ways to do this is to limit the amount of added sugar in your diet and eating whole, nutritious real food. Another way I support healthy immune function is by using essential oils. There is a specific protective blend that I use that really helps! I diffuse this blend nonstop during "germ season" and I also apply to the bottoms of our feet to help give us a boost. More on this in a minute...
• Activated charcoal. Yes, I said charcoal. Google it. You'll find all sorts of articles about how activated charcoal acts as an absorbing agent and by ingesting the right amount, you basically can just whisk those nasty little germs right on out of your system! I've taken activated charcoal pills several times and been able to avoid throwing up. I get mine from Vitamin Shoppe and I usually take 1-2 capsules every few hours when I think I've been seriously exposed or started to feel queasy. Side note, you can also twist open these capsules and use the charcoal inside to whiten your teeth. Google that too. You're welcome :)
• Grape juice. This one is tricky. You have to use this method BEFORE you ever start feeling queasy. Drink 1 8oz glass of grape juice 3 times a day after you've been exposed but BEFORE you feel nauseous. The grape juice basically works to alkaline your stomach acid and helps coat your stomach so that the virus can't stay and hang out and make you sick. Or something like that. You might have to Google this one too if you want to know all the science behind it. But trust me, this method has worked for us too. We used it last year when the boys' sitter came down with a stomach virus and our boys didn't get sick. I gave them grape juice as soon as I picked them up and gave them another few cups of it before bed. If you already feel sick, I repeat, if you already feel sick, do not try this method. Your best bet if you already feel sick is the next point down, essential oils. 
• Essential oils. I am 100% convinced that essential oils can stop a stomach bug in its tracks. Why, you ask? Because it happened to me last year. Both of my boys and I came down with the nasty stomach virus and the 2 of us that used oils only threw up ONE TIME, and the poor baby who didn't get any oils threw up countless times. I honestly think that applying the digestive blend of oils that I use, along with the protective blend, helped stop the virus in its tracks. Keep in mind, I was desperate, DESPERATE, to not throw up and I knew it was inevitable... I mean, I had already been nauseas and then held my toddler while he threw up 16 times, so I just knew I was going to get sick. I was still slightly skeptical that the oils would work and I put the protective blend on my feet every hour and the digestive blend on my tummy every 20-30 minutes. I have also done some research and myrrh helps soothe digestive issues too, so I've added that one to my "fight the stomach bug" medicine cabinet. I am a wellness advocate and can help you with any questions you may have about essential oils, and you can also purchase oils through me if you would like. 

I know my fear of throwing up is a bit excessive, but who wants to deal with that nasty mess? Yuck. Not me. Not to add more germophobia to this post, but did you know that you can still be contagious THREE DAYS AFTER YOU FEEL WELL?? (Yes, I have scoured the CDC website for information on how to avoid and defeat this illness!! Judge me if you will!) The virus also stays in your stool up to 2 weeks after you feel well too, so hand hygiene is especially important if you have a little one still in diapers who manages to contract the bug. If you hear of the stomach bug going around, please point people back to this post because together, we can put a stop to the spread of the yucky-no-fun-no-good-so-sad stomach bug. I am absolutely 100% in favor of eradicating the existence of the stomach virus but in order to do that, we need to quit spreading it! 

If you want to contact me about essential oils or have other crazy, awesome natural remedies to help kick the stomach bug to the curb, please contact me! 

Going to Kindergarten...

My child starts kindergarten next week. My baby, my first-born son. Those words have a strange sound to them, like they're not quite right.

Well of course they're not quite right! How is it time for my baby to be going to KINDERGARTEN?

I had a bit of a moment at work today. And by "a moment", I mean, I was sitting at my desk and suddenly the air got thinner and the buzzing of my coworkers turned to a slow hum. You know, that hum that starts soft and gets louder and louder until you realize you're the only one hearing it... I walked outside to catch my breath and as I paced in front of my building, it hit me.

I feel so unprepared for my child to start school. I feel so inadequate as a mother, like I didn't do all the right things in the time I had him to myself. The "should have's" and "wish I'd's" raced through my mind...

I should have taught him to read...
I should have handled things differently when he didn't listen...
I should have taught him more nursery rhymes...
I should have had more patience with him...
I wish I'd been more fun, more fair, more understanding as a mom...
I wish I'd never yelled...
I wish I'd held him longer every night and more when he was sick...
I wish I'd put off that load of laundry...
I wish I'd put more thought into making dinner fun, instead of expecting him to automatically like it...
I wish I'd fed him vegetables instead of fruit first when he was a baby...
I wish, I wish, I wish...

As I wished my way across the hot black pavement, a still small voice spoke to me. He said, "Bethany, you aren't perfect, but you are the perfect mom for Paxton. You don't do everything right, but you are just right for him. You are being molded as his mom, just as you are molding him as your son. There is beauty in your imperfections and even on those nights when you lay your head down on your pillow in defeat, regretting harsh words that slipped off your tongue, your son lies in the other room drifting off to sleep, thinking about just how loved and safe he feels because of you. Child, look to me and as you desire to know me more, I will shape you and mold you into the best mom for Paxton and Maverick. I am the Potter and you are the clay. You feel inadequate, but you are more than enough in Me. Seek me first, and I will light the way."

I felt like I could breathe again.

As the school year is quickly approaching, if you're a mom and feeling inadequate, I hope you will feel the Lord reassuring you. God promises to "make straight our paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6) and even as He names the sparrows, He sees our fears as mothers. He knows we feel defeated on days when we're stretched and pulled taut. The devil is working hard for every defeated moment, but God's plan is to have us triumph victoriously! We are raising sweet, sweet gifts from the Lord and I won't stop seeking Him so that I do my part the best that I can.

I know Paxton is ready for kindergarten. I mean, like every other mom out there, I feel like my kid is bound to be President, or the next Billy Graham, or Superman at least! Heck, the kid makes friends faster than a speeding bullet! His social game is strong, and he's smart and funny and caring. He's got a million dollar smile, and the personality to match.

To my dear sweet Paxton, my brand-new 5-year-old who is ready to conquer the world, let me hold you a little longer, but help me let you go. As you embark on this journey, promise me you will always be the best you, and share that with others. The beautiful pieces of you that make me laugh and smile and cry tears of sweet joy ought to be enjoyed by the rest of the world. I can't wait to see all of what you'll accomplish. You've already captured my heart and in my book you're the best there is. In 20 years, I'm quite confident you'll be famous or successful or probably both. I love watching you grow into the person that you are and I know it will just get better and better. Love the Lord with all your heart, seek to be more like Him, and you can't go wrong. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Put Him first, and the rest of the pieces will fall perfectly into place. My heart bursts with how proud I already am of the awesome bundle of Paxton that you are. Happy first year of school, son. Mommy loves you more than words could ever say.

Day 4 Hospital Update

Well, I suppose its time for an update. We've been in the hospital since early Thursday morning (thanks a lot Crohn's) and the plan is for us to be discharged home today. (I say "us" and "we" because when your spouse is in the hospital, both of you are "in the hospital" if you know what I mean. Life isn't the same during that time and what happens to one of you, happens to the other.) We are more than ready to go home.

Thursday and Friday were filled with anxiety because we weren't sure if Brandon was going to have to have surgery again or not. And before we move on from this, let's talk about why this is such a big deal. Abdominal surgery is risky - not that other surgical procedures aren't - but there are some risks that make it a very scary option. There is always risk of infection, risk of perforation - think of this like a balloon that is being squeezed and a little section pops out that is thinner than the rest and then pops from the pressure - and risk that his intestines might not heal back together. All of these are very serious complications and of course one that isn't life threatening but certainly life altering is the risk that he might come out of surgery with a colostomy bag. If you don't know what this is, google it. You'll know why we are so averse to even the thought of that occurring.

Brandon's GI physician (the one he sees in clinic for his outpatient visits), who specializes in Crohn's Disease, came by to see him Friday and decided that he wanted to take a more conservative approach and leave surgery as a last resort option. We were relieved but concerned, and I'll explain why in a minute. His doctor said that we were going to approach this intestinal blockage with high dose IV steroids for a few days, be discharged on oral steroids, and increase his Humira injections to weekly instead of every other week. He is also adding another medication for Brandon to inject every week in addition to the Humira.

We asked his doctor if this approach would be enough to avoid surgery, and he said that maybe for a time, but that at this point, with the way his blockage looks on his CT scan, that surgery is probably inevitable down the road. Our concern is that we are putting off something that might help Brandon feel better, and for what? For a few weeks or months of feeling decent... For a few weeks of feeling anxious about every meal. Will this be the meal that aggravates the spot that is irritated already? Will we be back in the ER this week?

His doctor seems confident that the Humira is working and that with this plan of attack he can be OK for a long time. We have to trust that he knows what he's talking about pray that the Lord takes away our anxiety, because like with most things anxiety and stress makes Crohn's worse. Ugh.

As with Brandon's previous hospitalizations, I've found myself with a lot of time of my hands to think and reflect and pray. I know we are so blessed, even though we are where we are right now, I thank God that it isn't worse, because it could be. His "c" diagnosis could be cancer instead of Crohn's, and instead of Brandon it could be one of our little boys. Just yesterday, as I was getting my visitor's pass, I saw a family walking down the hospital concourse, holding the hand of a small child - no more than 4 years old - who had just patches of wispy hair left on her head, from chemo no doubt. I swiftly wiped 2 tears off my cheeks and had to turn away. God was whispering softly to me at that moment "I know what you're going through. I see you and feel your hurt, but you are so blessed, child." Yes, we are.

It is good to be reminded of that, because this whole hospitalization, I've found myself hardened and hmm, maybe a touch grouchy (I know you all find this hard to believe, but yes, its true. Haha). First of all, the whole stay has been drastically different from the stay last August. We spent almost 24 hours in the Emergency Room - read: loud, impersonal, uncomfortable frustration zone - and then were moved to a communal style observation holding area. This is basically where they aren't sure if insurance will pay for your visit or not, and they don't know what the plan for you will be so they put you in a big bay with other patients, separated only by curtains. Much like the Emergency Room, but with a different bed.

Then, we were moved to a semi-private room (pictured above)... that means that we have a roommate and basically NO privacy. So, in the middle of the night when the nursing assistant comes in to take vitals, we get woken up twice, same with labs, nurses, doctors, and meals. Brandon's bed is right by the door, and the bathroom. Yaaay (note the sarcasm). You don't really get any rest when you're in the hospital, but this time we got about half of what we got the last time. Awful. I don't mean to be grumpy, and I'm trying not to be but I have found myself approaching things like "wonder how much THAT doctor is going to cost us?!" and "You don't NEED an EKG! We're going to have to pay for that! Ugh!" and focusing on all the little things adding up. I know I'm just putting more stress on myself, and its because I'm tired, both physically and mentally, and partly because I've worked in a hospital system before, but I need to stop. I know that getting Brandon the best care possible is the goal and all that matters at this point. I brought my relaxing essential oils blend to help and Brandon said "it smells like home now." That made me smile. (Can you tell I use it a lot at home to de-stress?! lol)

On top of everything else, Friday was Brandon's BIRTHDAY. Yep, the poor guy spent his birthday in the hospital. And on a liquid diet too! What a bummer! Seriously, I was so sad all day for this guy and we tried to be upbeat but there's really no hiding the fact that he is spending his special day in the hospital. He was supposed to wake up to a box of his favorite donuts on his birthday, and instead he got a few bags of IV fluids, some juice, and a couple of little hospital cups of chocolate ice cream. A big BIG thank you to my mom, for sending a bunch of balloons and a gift to his hospital room, even though she couldn't be here in person. Made his whole day!

If you'd like to pray with us, and pray specifically, here are the things we are praying for at this time:

• That we would be discharged today
• That Brandon will continue to tolerate food and the steroids continue to reduce the inflammation
• That his doctors would have wisdom in creating a plan that will be the best for Brandon both now and the long-term
• That he would have no pain, nausea, or bloating
• For our boys... we hate this disruption of life for them but kids are resilient, right??
• That we can get good rest tonight (hopefully in our OWN BED!!! **happy dance**)

Thank you, sweet friends, for the countless calls, messages, comments and offers to help. We are overwhelmed once again with how loving and caring our friends are. God is humbling us and teaching us far more than we ever thought we would learn with this disease. I pray that God would use us, move through us, for His glory.

A Crohn's Emergency Room Visit

Our Crohn's Emergency Room Experience

 

Basically if you have Crohn's, it really stinks to have to go to the Emergency Room. Because you're in lots of pain, really nauseous (with potential of throwing up in front of other people - awful, just awful), and feeling really bloated, but you're not considered to be a "life-threatening" case in the eyes of the ER staff. That being said, things move realllllllllly slow for you. Why? Because the guy who comes in having a heart attack, and the family who've been in a car accident take precedent and your doctor ends up spending lots of time with them, and you lay there looking at the same spot on the wall for, eh, roughly 15+ hours.

This was us in the Emergency Room today. We saw a hospitalist right away, got labs and some other tests done quickly, and then sat... and sat... and sat some more, waiting for Brandon to be taken back to Radiology for a CT scan. Then we waited for um, a long time, and a little while longer, for the results to be read. Then we waited for someone to come and tell us the results. Then we saw a few more doctors and did a little more waiting. Oh, and we're still waiting. Ha. No, really, we are.

Brandon has a partial intestinal blockage at the site where they stapled him back together after removing those 18 inches in his surgery a year ago. One of the physicians showed us the CT scan and it is crazy that you can see where he was put back together and how different the intestines are above and below that site. No wonder the poor guy is in so much pain. (Insert sad face emoji.)

The whole day I was afraid someone was going to say the "S" word. You know, "surgery." The whole day basically feels like a blur, since I'm running on 4 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, and a lot of adrenaline (and anxiety). The GI surgeon came to see Brandon this afternoon and said that they'd like to take a conservative approach, but then the GI doc called and said that the site of the blockage is too high to reach through a lower scope and too low to reach through an upper endoscopy. Sooo, essentially, our options are steroids and medications and time OR ... the "S" word. (insert despair face emoji, or the sad face one again, or let's be real, both of them)

I cannot tell you how exhausting an Emergency Room visit of this magnitude is. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who have been blessed enough to have never had to visit the ER, its just this crazy hurry-up-and-wait, anxiety-filled time of pain and unease, and getting really stiff (hospital furniture leaves a lot to be desired). Plus, there's this thing called shift change, where all the nursing staff switches out and you have to get to know a new nurse, feel them out (you know, whether they have a good attitude or if they stink, or whatever) and tell your story AGAIN. We probably said the same thing 16 times today, because that many doctors and nurses were in and out of our ER room. Plus, its this disjointed awkward retelling of the story, because we're sleep deprived, one of us is doped up on pain meds, and we can't remember who we told what, and when. And leaving out details is not an option, not when your intestines are at stake anyway.

On a high note, I got to eat a really lackluster sandwich from the hospital cafeteria, and Brandon didn't have to drink contrast for his CT scan. I kid, I kid. That was my attempt at sarcasm as a coping mechanism, but I really did have a pretty lifeless sandwich and Brandon really didn't have to drink contrast, which is a blessing, because when you're bloated and feeling full and overly nauseous, being told you have to drink 32 oz of wanna-be powerade-like syrup is definitely awful.

Please pray that he will get admitted quickly and get into a room upstairs soon. He has been laying on a stretcher (again, it leaves a lot to be desired, or in Brandon's words "Its a glorified piece of cardboard") ALL DAY and he's ready to be a little more comfortable. Also, please be praying that the GI doctors and GI surgeons can collaborate well together tomorrow and come up with a solid solution. While we're praying we can avoid surgery, we also want the best solution for the long-term. We don't want to put a bandaid on a big problem and end up back here again next week.

Pray that we can get some rest, that the boys experience some normalcy, and that we can arrange for childcare for them if I need to be with Brandon at the hospital.

Thank you for being our prayer warriors, and for reading such rousing and comical posts (read: long and heavy/depressing) about our experience with Crohns and our long day in the Emergency Room.

Look for more rousing and entertaining satires later (insert big toothy smile emoji, or the laughing one).

Crohns Strikes Again... The Recurring Nightmare

I write this sitting in a vinyl Emergency Room chair beside my husband, who is currently hooked up to monitors and IVs laying on a stretcher. He's drifting in and out of a pain-medication-induced sleep. We've been up since around 3:00am. Brandon didn't sleep well before that either, because he was up at midnight in pain and nauseous, so its good that he can get a little reprieve from the pain now.

Mean Crohns... leave my boy alone.

Meanwhile, I've been watching the hospital's logo bounce around on a monitor and listening to the night-shift nurses switch out for the day shift while I surf the internet desperately researching what our options are. It was deja vu to walk into this ER at this hospital, because a) I used to work here and b) it feels like we were just here with Brandon. It has almost been a year since Brandon was here last and had surgery. Why, Lord, why are we back so soon?

We're currently waiting on radiology to come take Brandon back for a CT scan, and he's already had some labs and other tests done.

Our major concern at this time is that Brandon may have to have surgery again if he has another intestinal blockage. We are also very concerned that either the Humira injections are not working, or that his type of Crohn's is truly so aggressive that it can't keep up. I don't want to bore you with the details but Brandon has an aggressive type of Crohns called stricturing Crohns, which basically means that when he eats, his intestines get aggravated, and when that happens sometimes his intestines get angry and inflame - a flare - and when they get super mad at him, scar tissue forms. When the scar tissue forms, a layer is added to the inside of his intestines, making it slightly smaller in diameter. Think of it like this... say you have an empty paper towel roll and you pour thick paint on the inside every day for a year. Each time the paint is poured on the inside of the roll, a layer of paint forms, drys, and the next day another layer is added on top. Eventually, you won't have a hollow roll anymore, because the layers of paint are so thick. That's what's happening to Brandon's insides, except a little less colorful and definitely more painful.

We have more questions than answers at this time and I'll be sure to update later when we know more, but for now, please pray for my husband. This is like a nightmare to be back in this place of pain and the unknown. If you want to get specific, here's how you can pray with us:

• That the tests would be done quickly and be conclusive
• That his doctor or someone familiar with his case will be here today and can consult with the ED physicians
• That his pain and nausea would be eliminated
• That we will get answers about a solution that will work longterm (whether Humira injections or not)
• That he won't have to have surgery, but if he does that it would be minor and quick with no complications
• That he won't worry about missing work and that his coworkers will have a light day in his absence 
• That I will have the time and clarity of though to get some work done while we're here
• That our boys won't worry and that they will have a fun day (Paxton was upset this morning when he found out where mommy and daddy had to go - break my heart :( ) 

Thank you for praying with us! I hope to have a very positive update soon!

PS If anyone has any advice or experience with Crohns, we'd love to hear from you. Or if you want to leave a note of encouragement for Brandon in the comments below this post, I will read them to him when he is up to it! I know it will help him feel better! :)

Father's Day 2015

Yesterday we celebrated Father's Day. I hope Brandon felt as loved as he is, because we (the boys and I) could not imagine life without him and we love him dearly. He does so much for us, and I know there are times when he really doesn't feel good, but he gets down in the floor to wrestle with the boys, or unloads the dishwasher to help me out anyway.

I hope this year he feels better than he ever has and can enjoy being dad to these precious babies, because we are going to blink and they'll be waving to us as they drive off to college. I'm pretty sure I have to stop blogging now, because I have to go cry.

Here's the 2nd annual Father's Day video I made for Brandon.

Crohn's Injections Update

I guess its about time for an update! It has been a month since we started (I say we, and although technically I mean Brandon, it feels like a "we" thing, since we're going through all of this together) the Humira injections for Brandon's Crohn's disease.

The good news is that he didn't have any crazy side effects (so far) like growing tufts of hair in strange places, or  purple freckles popping up, or incessant sneezing... not that those were really listed as side effects but I sort of wondered in the back of my mind if something wild would happen. I mean, having my spouse give himself injections every 2 weeks sounds so sci-fi, doesn't it? Well maybe not exactly sci-fi, but definitely surreal. We went from "normal" like everyone else, to alcohol swabbing his leg and prepping for medication injections after burgers and baked beans on Thursday nights. Weird, right? Seems that way to me, but I guess this is our new normal.

But seriously, Brandon has been doing great. Over the past month, he's only had a few times where he felt bad, but those times were highly frustrating, because he felt like he had started the injections, so shouldn't he feel better already?! His doctor's nurse told us that it could be around 6 weeks before he would feel good and get leveled out at his "new normal." We're still a little nervous, because his Crohn's is so aggressive and had gotten bad pretty quickly, so we don't know what kind of damage was done in his intestines over the last 9 months while he wasn't on any medication to keep the inflammation down. We have been praying that the Humira will work to keep any inflammation away and that he can be in a state of "remission" for years and years to come. We would love if you would join us in praying for that as well.

The other thing that Brandon has been doing, is taking the Doterra Lifelong Vitality Supplements. We had heard great things about this before, but a friend gave us a month's supply for him to try and we think this has played a part in him feeling so good over the last month. We think this has helped combat the fatigue from the Humira. Brandon has said on several occasions that he can tell when he's forgotten a day of the supplements because he will be so exhausted on those days. He says his energy levels are so much higher on the days where he takes the supplements. That was one of the things we worried about with the Humira injections, because he had experienced major fatigue during Crohn's flares before and it seriously wipes him out, and we didn't want him to have to battle that fatigue forever.

We are really hopeful that he will start to feel great all of the time very soon!

Introduction to Essential Oils

A Story of My Introduction to Essential Oils

I was in my third trimester of my first pregnancy when I was first introduced to essential oils. I was having this strange hot pain in my throat that I didn't know how to deal with. Yep, you guessed it. I was having heartburn for the very first time in my life. I had never had indigestion before so I had no idea what this fire-y pain deep in my throat was. A friend of mine asked if I was open to trying essential oils for that and to help me sleep better and brought me some samples. I ended up using them and then forgetting about them for awhile.

Fast forward a few years, and my interest in natural remedies had skyrocketed. I became concerned about eating foods that are so processed, using antibiotics so much, and popping pills for anything and everything. I also became a full fledged germ-o-phobe. I hate to throw up (I actually have a fear about having to throw up) and I also haaaate when my boys are sick. So, I did some research, bought some apple cider vinegar and grapefruit seed extract, and decided to try essential oils again (so crunchy and hippie I know). I went to a specialty vitamin store and bought essential oils to blend together to use.

It worked. Not just once, or twice, but several times over a period of 4-5 months. Each time, the boys would start to get sick, and I used the oils, Brandon and I would say that maybe it was a coincidence and not really a bad cold since they immediately got better. After around the 6th or 7th time of our boys NOT getting sick when they were STARTING to get sick, we tentatively said we thought the essential oils worked. By this time, I was also diffusing lavender essential oil every night before bed to help promote good sleep.

I branched out and tried a few other oils to help with other things and by this time, I'm hooked. We've been at the pediatrician's office much less than previous winters, and you know with 2 toddlers that is a feat in itself.

So far I've used essential oils to help with sleep, anxiety, allergies, stomachaches, headaches, rashes, cough and congestion, energy, Brandon's tummy troubles, to boost our immune systems, and to take the burn out of a burn. I'll be sure to write a separate post with how we dealt with the stomach bug using essential oils, too. We mostly use essential oils topically (usually diluted with a carrier oil like coconut oil or olive oil) or by putting them in our diffuser.  The kind of essential oils I use can be also ingested because they are therapeutic grade, but not all essential oils are created equal and I do not recommend ingesting just any oils. I decided to go with that brand of essential oils because they are certified therapeutic grade and in my research thought they were the best fit for me. Plus, I like that I can earn rewards to use and get free oils, plus earn commission.

Because we have seen such positive results from using essential oils, I've been able to help many of my friends with health concerns or other issues they are facing and would love to help you too. If you purchase essential oils from my site (contact me to get the link), I will receive a small commission, and it will go to help my family. I appreciate each and every one of you who have (and will in the future) help support us! Plus, I can't wait to help you change your medicine cabinet and see how natural remedies like essential oils can help your family too.

If you liked this introduction to essential oils, and would like to know more, please feel free to contact me and I will be happy to help get you started or answer questions. Plus, if you sign up under me, you can start earning commission too and be eligible for rewards on every purchase! Just ask me how.

And So It Begins...

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives... with Humira, that is.

We received word late last week that our insurance company had approved the Humira injections for Brandon! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Just to recap, or in case you missed it, these injections cost $6,000 to start, and the monthly maintenance dosage cost is $2,000, so for insurance to approve this and help with the cost is amazing and SO very very needed!

For the last 2 weeks, we have prayed diligently over Brandon and the decisions we've needed to make regarding this medication. As with any medication, there are side effects. We are primarily concerned about the side effect of Lymphoma and any side effects with regards to fertility in the future. Let me state right now, NO we are not trying to get pregnant right now. However, we have decided that we may want to try for a third child at some point in the future (the distant future as Brandon calls it ;) ). With that being said, those are serious concerns for us. Brandon's doctor immediately called out the fact that there is an increased chance that he could develop Lymphoma, which is a type of cancer. The "c" word scares me, and I really don't want to even think about this part of the whole deal. (If I ignore it, it will go away, right?!) We also don't know how the Humira could affect our trying to conceive another baby one day, or if there could be birth defects that result. The other factor to all of this is that his body could potentially not respond to the medication and we would be back at square one.

Despite these concerns, Brandon has felt a peace about beginning this medication. He is trusting in the wisdom of his medical team and that the Lord holds his future. We may not know what tomorrow looks like, but we know with certainty that the Lord our God is the perfect author of our story. He has written the beautiful pages of our lives and continues to create a most complicated and precious storyline that is one we hope to look back on and be proud of.

Today we received 6 pens of Humira on dry ice on our front doorstep. We were both giddy and a little sweaty-palmed as we opened the contents of what feels like the fate of our future. So today, we decide to document our experience and show the very real side of what life will be like in this home. Brandon will begin his onboarding of Humira with 4 injections today, and will continue with 2 more in 2 weeks and one injection every 2 weeks for the rest of his life. If that sounds as scary as it feels while I'm typing it, it is. While we may view Humira as our lifeline to normalcy and a life without pain and discomfort it is only because it is the object of our attention, and we know that our true hope is in Christ Jesus and that He holds us and loves us through every step.

Enjoy our very first VLOG (that would be a VIDEO blog :) and just a word of caution, it may not be suitable if you're squeamish around needles!):

A Day of Hospital Tests and Just As Many Questions As Answers

As most of you know from reading this, today Brandon had an MRI at UNC Hospitals. He was scheduled to have an MRI at 9:00am and then see his doctor immediately following.  I could tell he was nervous and got up bright and early to get to work before he had to be at the hospital. He told me this morning that his main concern about the MRI was having to drink contrast, because it causes major discomfort in his abdomen, and plus it tastes disgusting. Well, he ended up having to drink the contrast not once, but TWICE, because it wasn't showing up clearly enough on the scan.

MAJOR BUMMER.

I told him "you can do anything for a short amount of time" because that's what my mama always told me growing up anytime I had to do something difficult or uncomfortable.

After the MRI, Brandon went right to clinic and was seen by his doctor. There he was told that most likely he would have surgery on Monday, and then he was whisked away for bloodwork, and back to the clinic.

Yes, our hearts stopped...

It turns out that we have good news and bad news.

The good news is that Brandon doesn't have to have surgery (today, at least) after review of the MRI, or an abdominal stent put in (think balloon heart catheter, but for your intestines).

The bad news is that Brandon has a very aggressive form of Crohn's disease and his MRI showed that his intestines are highly inflamed. The doctor said that about 20% of Crohn's patients have his type of Crohn's disease: Stricturing Crohns, which basically means his intestines are constantly inflaming and forming scar tissue.

If you're following along, you're probably putting 2 and 2 together. Brandon has a flare up, scar tissue forms, repeat repeat repeat, Brandon has surgery, Brandon has flare up, scar tissue forms, repeat repeat repeat, until when? Until he has nothing left? Until he's been cut open more times that we can count?

So what's the plan?

The plan is to immediately begin a steroid regimen to try and decrease the inflammation. Long-term, the plan is to have Humira injections multiple times a month. The nurse is working on getting insurance approval for this therapy though, because initial injection costs are $6,000 and regular monthly maintenance costs are $2,000. We are praying that insurance will pay the majority of this cost, because once Brandon begins this kind of therapy, he can't stop it and begin it again because his body will develop antibodies to it and it will be ineffective.

This worries me. There are only a handful of drugs out there that will work with this kind of condition. And there is a 50% success rate with each one. And even if one of these drugs works for him, there are lots of side effects.

We are swimming in information from today. It seems like so much to know all at once, and we want to make the right decisions, not just for right now, but for long term. We have so many questions about how to manage this condition and what is best for Brandon. Please pray with us over several things:

For complete healing... but if not...

That the inflammation would go down with the course of steroids and that no further intervention is needed to get over this flare.

That the insurance would cover the cost of the injections.

That his body would respond positively to the injections and the other medication he will be put on.

That he would suffer no side effects.

We are so thankful that we have such an army of prayerful friends who are joining us and lifting us up. We are surrounded by friends and family who have shown us love and concern and have kept encouraging us all day long. My phone battery is dead already because of all the messages I received constantly all day. You all are the best. We love you so much! You don't know just how much your kind words mean to us.

We want Christ to be glorified through our lives and how we respond during trials like this one. We are grateful, desperately grateful, for His grace and mercy because though the last year has been nothing like we ever imagined, we are far more blessed than we even know. We sat at home tonight and soaked up our beautiful family. We can only hope and pray that God is using this to mold us to do great things for His glory and that others may come to know the source of our strength, for we are not along.

I was reminded today of that beautiful promise when I heard a certain song on the radio and thought of this verse:

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

A Fairytale Wedding + A Crohn's Update & Prayer Request

I've struggled for awhile with what to blog about, so that's why my posts have been scarce since Brandon's hospitalization. It feels like every time I want to sit down and start a new post, I can't quite seem to come up with the words.

I guess I'll just dive right in this time so I won't have time to think about it.

This past Saturday, Brandon's brother Brad got married. Last week was an exciting week because it was spent...

Putting last minute touches on Jessica's garters that I was making:

Finishing up sewing the boys' bowties:

Completing the burlap ring bearer pillow I made for Paxton to carry (picture to come later), getting pedicures with the bridal party...

Going to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner:

And of course anticipating the big day on Saturday. Brandon was going to play golf with the groom and other groomsmen Saturday morning and I was going to spend my *birthday* morning (yep! My birthday was on Saturday, the day of the wedding!) with the boys and waiting for my mom and Deryl to arrive.

All was going great (wedding crafts completed - check! pedicure - check! rehearsal - check! golfing - check!) and the boys decided they wanted to treat mommy to a pancake breakfast :)

Around lunchtime, Mom and Deryl arrived and took the boys and I out for lunch and when we got back home, the plan was for me to change into my dress, doublecheck we had everything we needed for the wedding, and leave in time to get pictures with the bride and bridal party before the wedding.

Here's my opportunity to use that creepy line in suspense novels...

Then the phone rang...

Yeah, I did it. I said the creepy suspense novel line. Whatever. But seriously, the phone rang.

Anyway, Brandon called and I immediately knew something was wrong. He, in a very strained voice, asked if I had left yet because if I hadn't, I needed to come pick him up ASAP. He was having severe pain - hospital level pain - and wasn't sure he was going to be able to get out of the bathroom without help, let alone stand alongside his brother at the wedding later.

This wasn't the plan. The plan was to meet at the wedding, have a glorious time celebrating 2 people we love so dearly and for everything to go smoothly. The plan was to dance the night away, eat wedding/birthday cake, and cry happy tears at how great mushy-gushy love stories are.

The plan was for life to be normal after surgery... The plan was to have a bit of a BREAK after mountains of medical debt, months of turmoil, and years of pain...

But instead, I found myself throwing clothes in a hospital bag in my floor-length dress I had already changed into, grabbing phone chargers and socks for just in case, and barreling down I-40 to get to my husband as quickly as possible.

In the span of less than an hour, I had made arrangements for Paxton to get to the wedding (you know, just in case Brandon and I were stuck in the ER somewhere), packed a hospital bag, and talked with him several times to check on him before I got there. On the way to drop Paxton off with Cole (thanks Uncle Cole!!!), Paxton sensed something was wrong and immediately told me that we should pray for daddy's tummy:

"Dear God, can you please help my daddy's tummy feel better? He's real sick and me and mommy are worried about him. If you could help his tummy feel better and help us get a great night's sleep, thanks! Amen!" (He always prays that we'll get a great night's sleep... guess we pray about that a lot!)

Brandon was weak. Really, really weak, and in lots of pain. Luckily, he had pain medication leftover from after surgery and he took some. And then took some more. (And maybe a little bit more.) He was literally sucking on pain pills because he couldn't swallow anything and keep it down. My poor, sweet husband was determined to make it to that wedding. I know that all he could think about in that moment was not letting his little brother down. He thinks so much of Brad, of what a strong young man he's grown into, and wanted so desperately to be able to stand beside him on such an important day.

We called on prayer warriors to get us through the evening and pretty much expected to be heading to the hospital after the wedding ceremony. Our church was asked to begin praying, and we had tons of family and close friends on the job as well. Brandon was a little loopy from the pain meds, but made it through the ceremony and we were able to stay for the reception too, only by God's grace! Brandon was hungry (and nauseous from having pain medication on an empty stomach) but wanted to just go home and see if he could sleep. He spent much of the next day in bed or in the recliner and tried eating small portions at a time to see how his body would react.

See, he had been in a Crohn's flare for the past week and a half but was able to control it by limiting what he ate and trying not to overdo it. He kept saying that he knew something was different and that it didn't feel right. He had been using essential oils before each meal and that seemed to really help but he knew something was off. The pain the day of the wedding was "blockage" kind of pain and to be quite honest, that terrifies me.

Why? Because there's no way we could possibly have to go through what we went through last year so soon, right? He wouldn't have to have surgery... again... would he? We couldn't possibly have more medical bills and more pain and more time out of work, right?

Right?

This week has been spent trying to arrange doctor's visits so we can avoid an ER visit and of course UNC doesn't have an appointment until July, and this integrative natural doctor's office we're trying to get in with doesn't have anything until August. OK... really?!

But today, the nurse for Brandon's doctor at UNC called him and said that they are moving appointments around in the morning because he needs to be seen ASAP. He was immediately put on the schedule to have an MRI at 9:00am tomorrow and to see the doctor in clinic right afterwards. If you know anything about big hospital systems like UNC, you know that the doctor must be concerned, because things just don't move that quickly.

We are worried. When the doctor moves patients around just to see you, you get a little nervous. I've caught Brandon several times tonight, eyebrows furrowed, with eyes lost deep in thought. He's worried about taking the time away from his job to have the appointment, he's worried about the appointment, and he's worried about his health.

I'm worried, because my husband is worried. The good news in all of this is that we don't have to worry.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself, Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and supplication, present your requests to the Lord." Phillipians 4:6

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you, he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

We are asking that you, our friends and family, join us in prayer tonight, and tomorrow as Brandon spends the morning in testing (they mentioned possibly needing to do a scope too!) and with the doctor. We are specifically praying for peace, wisdom for the doctors, positive results, and a simple longterm solution.

There is much more to our story I'd like to share but it seems as though I've written a book. Maybe, if you'll let me, I'll share bits and pieces in the weeks to come.

17 months

Our Maverick turns 17 months old this week. Where did the last 17 months go? It rushed past me like a gust of wind and was gone before I realized what hit me!

I tried to be one of those moms who was so put together and took a picture every month with a sign or a sticker on his onesie that told what month it was... but it just didn't work out. I have a girlfriend who does themed photo shoots for practically every holiday and I am so impressed with her. I don't know how she does it! I can barely make sure that each kid has a clean pair of pants to wear the next day, let alone plan themed photo shoots for Valentine's Day, Easter, and St. Patty's Day! (Just a note: I am working on being this organized, but this is serious work people... serious work.)

Maverick is 17 months old and quite the character. He is running circles around us (and climbing them around us too!) and says a few words, like Mama, Daddy, puppy, blues (blueberries), night night, bye bye, hot, more, and down. He can also sign the word more in sign language. Maverick will eat pretty much whatever I give him, especially if he sees it come right off of my plate. He likes to dump his water out of his sippy cup onto his high chair tray and swirl it around with whatever food bits are on there to make a big mess. He also likes to throw food on the floor and will look us directly in the eyes as we tell him no and still throw it on the floor. He can now go up AND down the stairs, and can even go under the baby gate to get up the stairs.

Paxton and Maverick love playing with one another and they are such sweet brothers. They also love to wrestle one another... or I should say that Paxton loves to wrestle Maverick to the ground and Maverick will go along with it until he's had enough. Maverick thinks its funny to take Paxton's toys when he isn't looking and then watch as Paxton throws a fit or freaks out that Maverick is sitting there calmly with all of Paxton's Star Wars figurines, or both of his light sabers. This kid is a trip! He's also about 5 times as stubborn as Paxton. Lord, HELP US. #butseriously There are days when I don't think I can tell my child any more "don't hit mommy" and then that chubby little hand comes flying through the air and connects with my forehead. I've tried acting like I'm crying and sad, I've tried popping his hand, I've tried fussing, and now I've moved on to grabbing his hand and giving it kisses and shushing him and saying "no no, don't hit Mavvy"... any help here, people??

If we can come to an agreement that I'm the mommy and he's the baby, and he will give up just paaaart of that stubborn streak, I know we'll go far. But, its not like I don't know where he got that from... oops!

But, stubbornness aside, I knew this month would hold special meaning for me with Maverick because I nursed Paxton until he was 17 months old and I wanted to nurse Maverick at least that long. I'm not one to make a huge fuss about whether women breastfeed or formula feed their kids, because quite frankly it isn't any of my business, nor do I have a say, and plus, I breastfed and formula fed Paxton. Maverick was exclusively breastfed and I was so glad I was able to do that this time. I felt a lot more knowledgable about breastfeeding this time around and I was very determined to save us money by not having to buy formula. Plus, I very selfishly relished every moment that I got to be with Maverick while I nursed him and felt like that time was such a gift. Not every woman can breastfeed and I could have been one of those women.

You're probably thinking that 17 months is a long time to breastfeed a baby, and you're right. It is a very long time. But don't worry, I'm not laying him across my lap at the dinner table and nursing him at every meal. I nurse him just before bed each night and I'm already sad because I can tell that we are weaning more and more each day. I honestly don't know what I'll do when the day comes that I'm not producing any more milk or he doesn't have an interest. It is such an intimate time I share with my baby, and even though he's getting older and bigger, he's still my baby and I don't plan to let him nurse until he's 5, just until it naturally fades into the background. I've been holding my breath these last few months because I was afraid he would naturally wean himself before he was 17 months old and I had that silly number in my mind just because it was what I did with Paxton.

Paxton naturally weaned himself at 17 months because he got a cold and couldn't breathe through his nose, so by the time he could nurse again, he wasn't interested, and I had stopped producing milk. It was days after we stopped nursing that I became sad and the realization that we had stopped hit me. I was mentally prepared, but I've been mentally preparing myself with Maverick for months now. If Maverick is my last baby, then this will be my last time experiencing this special bond with a child. If you're a nursing mom, or ever have been, then you probably know just how wonderful it can be. Sure, there were times when I had blistered and bleeding nipples (TMI?! maybe... but fact of life, yes.) and I cried before he even began to eat, but I stuck with it, was proud of myself, and came to love and even crave that time with my baby. It's like the ultimate in feeling needed. And, babies are awesome, so putting the 2 together, you come up with a pretty amazing feeling :)

I can't believe I wrote this much about nursing my baby, and I'm sure some people will think that 17 months is entirely too long, but I've cherished every moment of it and I know I'll cry when this part of his life is over.

Here's to a wonderful 17 months with my sweet Maverick, and a lifetime of joy with you to come!

DIY Iron On Baby Onesies

DIY Iron On Baby Onesies

I knew when I decided to throw a baby shower for one of my close girlfriends, that I wanted to do a little something different since this was her second baby. I didn't want to play all the usual baby shower games, like guessing how big around her belly was by cutting lengths of ribbon or guessing which candy bar was melted in each diaper (this game is just so wrong! haha!) since those seemed more like first time mom baby shower games. I also knew I wanted all of the guests to be able to create something for the mom-to-be to take home and keep. I talked with a friend of mine and we decided to go with making onesies for the baby. I thought iron-ons would be easiest, but the iron-on appliques are so expensive! When you're throwing a baby shower and thinking about buying a onesie for each guest to decorate, plus an iron-on applique for each guest, the cost per person really adds up! SO, my friend suggested that we create our own designs and iron them on with iron-on transfer paper.

Have you ever used iron-on transfer paper?! It will change your life.

You will want to take every plain article of clothing, every blank cloth object you own, and every scrap of undecorated fabric in your home, and iron on cute designs. #butseriously 

How to DIY Iron On Onesies:

My friend printed off several cute designs from her computer on plain computer paper (like the cute little birdie above), and we cut them out and picked out fabric from the scraps she brought - you don't need much fabric at all to do this kind of a project. Then we ironed the transfer paper on to the fabric and pinned the cut out pattern to the fabric so we could cut the fabric out in the shape of the pattern. After the fabric shapes were cut out, they were ready to iron on to the onesies (transfer paper side down of course!). Voila! You're done and have a super cute iron-on onesie done with contact paper and your favorite fabric!

This was such an easy and fun project to do at a baby shower! We all had such a fun time while we were picking out patterns and fabrics for our iron on projects and then creating adorable keepsakes for our littlest love on the way.

Have you ever used iron on transfer paper? The ideas for craft projects with transfer paper are endless... onesies, bibs, lovies, blankets, burp cloths, diaper bags, washcloths, etc! Eeek!

Thankful Things Aren't Worse

After my last post about ending our crazy 2014, I got an overwhelming amount of responses from you. It took a long time to go through and process the comments, messages and texts from everyone and I've spent a long time thinking back through what I wrote.

My reaction to a few of the responses was immediate guilt. I confessed to Brandon that I felt guilty for even writing any of our story down because we could have had it so much worse. Memories of my friends who lost precious babies flashed through my mind. I thought of one friend who said goodbye to her sweet mama this year and my problems immediately shrank. My mind drifted to those that I know who are battling cancer - who are weak and tired and sick from chemo and radiation and surgery.

A friend of mine sent me a message and told me this:

It's hard to bring yourself to a place of such faithfulness that you can be thankful that things aren't worse, instead of wishing they were better. There's a big difference between the two! 

That struck such a chord with me and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it. I struggled with this before this year... I would find myself wishing things were better (or different) instead of thanking God that things weren't worse. After the year we had, I've found I don't have time to wish things were better, but I've been overwhelmed with praise and thankfulness that we've had the trials we've had, and not worse ones! To my friend who put it so eloquently, thank you!

I think I will silently relive pieces of our year for a long time... how could I not?! The moments I wrote about feel so fresh and real that they could have happened yesterday. I think we're supposed to remember moments like those so we can grow and move forward. 

In one short year, I saw my husband both confident in the hard work and long hours he was putting in at work, and weak and begging for help from a post-op hospital bed. Have you ever seen your other half so vulnerable it makes you cry? It is a humbling moment for sure. I wiped salty tears from my cheeks while I watched my tall (dark and handsome too!) sweet husband writhe in that hospital bed, begging me to make it stop. He never spoke above a whisper, but quietly pleaded with me to help him. The wires he was hooked up to led to machines that beeped and hummed with what seemed like the very sounds of his pain. I grieved for I could not make it better. 

Parts of our year seem fuzzy around the edges, almost like they were bits of a dream, instead of what we really went through. I think God dulls the sharp edges of the harsh times, so that we can still stomach the memories of them, long after they're over. To be quite honest, I still can hardly believe that I spent several nights pumping breast milk for my baby, and laying on a fold out hospital chair-bed to sleep, inches from my husband's IV pole. 

Was that even reality? 

It was ours for a brief time, and I can't seem to express my gratitude enough for God's grace to us during the past year.