Well of course they're not quite right! How is it time for my baby to be going to KINDERGARTEN?
I had a bit of a moment at work today. And by "a moment", I mean, I was sitting at my desk and suddenly the air got thinner and the buzzing of my coworkers turned to a slow hum. You know, that hum that starts soft and gets louder and louder until you realize you're the only one hearing it... I walked outside to catch my breath and as I paced in front of my building, it hit me.
I feel so unprepared for my child to start school. I feel so inadequate as a mother, like I didn't do all the right things in the time I had him to myself. The "should have's" and "wish I'd's" raced through my mind...
I should have taught him to read...
I should have handled things differently when he didn't listen...
I should have taught him more nursery rhymes...
I should have had more patience with him...
I wish I'd been more fun, more fair, more understanding as a mom...
I wish I'd never yelled...
I wish I'd held him longer every night and more when he was sick...
I wish I'd put off that load of laundry...
I wish I'd put more thought into making dinner fun, instead of expecting him to automatically like it...
I wish I'd fed him vegetables instead of fruit first when he was a baby...
I wish, I wish, I wish...
As I wished my way across the hot black pavement, a still small voice spoke to me. He said, "Bethany, you aren't perfect, but you are the perfect mom for Paxton. You don't do everything right, but you are just right for him. You are being molded as his mom, just as you are molding him as your son. There is beauty in your imperfections and even on those nights when you lay your head down on your pillow in defeat, regretting harsh words that slipped off your tongue, your son lies in the other room drifting off to sleep, thinking about just how loved and safe he feels because of you. Child, look to me and as you desire to know me more, I will shape you and mold you into the best mom for Paxton and Maverick. I am the Potter and you are the clay. You feel inadequate, but you are more than enough in Me. Seek me first, and I will light the way."
I felt like I could breathe again.
As the school year is quickly approaching, if you're a mom and feeling inadequate, I hope you will feel the Lord reassuring you. God promises to "make straight our paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6) and even as He names the sparrows, He sees our fears as mothers. He knows we feel defeated on days when we're stretched and pulled taut. The devil is working hard for every defeated moment, but God's plan is to have us triumph victoriously! We are raising sweet, sweet gifts from the Lord and I won't stop seeking Him so that I do my part the best that I can.
I know Paxton is ready for kindergarten. I mean, like every other mom out there, I feel like my kid is bound to be President, or the next Billy Graham, or Superman at least! Heck, the kid makes friends faster than a speeding bullet! His social game is strong, and he's smart and funny and caring. He's got a million dollar smile, and the personality to match.
To my dear sweet Paxton, my brand-new 5-year-old who is ready to conquer the world, let me hold you a little longer, but help me let you go. As you embark on this journey, promise me you will always be the best you, and share that with others. The beautiful pieces of you that make me laugh and smile and cry tears of sweet joy ought to be enjoyed by the rest of the world. I can't wait to see all of what you'll accomplish. You've already captured my heart and in my book you're the best there is. In 20 years, I'm quite confident you'll be famous or successful or probably both. I love watching you grow into the person that you are and I know it will just get better and better. Love the Lord with all your heart, seek to be more like Him, and you can't go wrong. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Put Him first, and the rest of the pieces will fall perfectly into place. My heart bursts with how proud I already am of the awesome bundle of Paxton that you are. Happy first year of school, son. Mommy loves you more than words could ever say.
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