Crohn's Hospital Day 2 Update

Our Crohn's Hospital Stay Update...

I hope I'm not annoying with these updates. I sometimes feel like a broken record, like "please pray for us. We're withdrawing again from the friend bank, sorry!" Ugh, so if I'm being annoying, I really am sorry. I don't intend to be. Most of the time these start out as Facebook status updates and end up obnoxiously long so I put them on my blog instead.

Anyways, today was day 2 of Brandon's 4th hospital stay for Crohn's Disease. Crohn's is a no-fun, nasty, mean, no-good disease. He feels bloated, in pain, and hungry. Really, really hungry. The kind of hungry where you don't want to eat because you feel sick, but you're just hungry. And, as someone put it today, "90% of the commercials on the hospital tv channels are about food." Totally true.

The GI team and the GI surgeons have both been by to see him and he's basically been told that there's nothing additional that the medical side of the teams can do, and that he will need to undergo another surgery to remove the part of his small intestines that is scarred over with scar tissue.

We've known it was coming for a long time. The signs and symptoms were all there and we were on pins and needles waiting for this to happen. So here we are, in the hospital again and everyone is finally agreeing that no, this isn't great quality of life, and its time to do something about it.

So we wait for his surgeon to come tomorrow to tell us when he will have surgery, and we pray - feverishly and without ceasing - that his procedure will go just as smoothly as last year's and that he will NOT have to have an ostomy bag. If you don't know what that is, Google it, and then you'll know why we are praying so hard. Please, please join us in prayer over this. We serve a mighty God, the ultimate Physician and Healer and we know He is able to do anything.

Thanks for putting up with my obnoxious emotional posts and for praying with us and for us. Just yesterday, my best friend reminded me that ironically, it is sometimes the toughest times in life where it is revealed to us just how blessed we are. I couldn't agree more. Although we're facing the unknown in Brandon's health, and fear over our finances, and anxiety over keeping the boys' lives as normal as possible right now, we realize just how blessed we are. We are rich in friends and family, and our cup runneth over.

I've been praying that God would use our family to shine Christ brighter than ourselves and to give us the platform with which to accomplish that goal. I wonder if this is it. I don't know how, and I don't know why this, but I know that I trust Him, and I've heard His whispers. In the quiet of the wee morning hours, and in the middle of the bustle of the day, I've heard him clearly say "Be still, Child, and trust me." Exodus 14:14 says "The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still." This alone is enough to rock me to my core, but if it doesn't for you, do you know the context of this verse? The Israelites were fleeing out of Egypt away from Pharaoh and as the Egyptian army was chasing them, they were terrified. They looked to Moses and cried out in fear "Why did you take us here? It would have been better to serve the king as slaves than to die in the desert!" Then God told Moses to part the Red Sea so that His people would see He is Lord. The Israelites were facing an impossibility. They were caught between a huge body of water and an army of angry Egyptians who were ready to slay them and it must have taken huge faith to say "yes, Lord, we will be still and let you fight for us." Can you imagine watching the waves of the sea roll apart and form a wall on either side of you? Can you imagine how awestruck you would be? Can you feel the adrenaline pumping as the fear of being chased collided with the knowledge that you must walk - no, run! - through the walls of the... SEA?!

That's how I feel sometimes. Like God is saying "I know it feels impossible, but be still and let me fight for you, child. I work miracles and am in the business of impossibilities. Trust me."

Ok, Lord. Let us tackle Monday and the rest of this week being still. My brain has Exodus 14:14 on repeat, and I keep thinking about Matthew 6 too... "Do not worry about tomorrow... Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and God will provide all your needs." That's a basic summary of that passage, so don't quote me, but I love the message there. I hope someone else out there can use that this week.

Will post the next Crohn's update when I can...

Crohn's Attack Number... ?

I briefly had the thought this morning that I couldn't remember which number hospital visit this was... don't worry, I figured it out. This is visit number 4 (5 if you count the fact that one visit we were at 2 different hospitals).

...

Brandon and I were so excited about this weekend. First off, we had both arranged for our moms to watch the boys for our anniversary - Brandon's mom on Friday night and my mom was coming to watch them Saturday night. I mean 9 years - that deserves some celebrating, ya know?! #boom PLUS, our church's 3 year anniversary is Sunday and we were stoked about celebrating. Brandon had worked hard on some of the details of the day and I personally was looking forward to the food trucks after the service :)

We went out to dinner last night while Joan watched the boys for us and had a great time. Ironically, Brandon chose not to have a salad with his meal because he didn't want to aggravate his stomach...

...

At 4 this morning, he woke up in severe pain and went downstairs to try and wait it out. About an hour later he came and woke me up and about 15 minutes after that he started violently getting sick. (Maybe too many details, but this is our normal now so sorrynotsorry.) We called his mom to see if she could come stay with the boys so we could go to the hospital and Brandon quickly went downhill. I ended up calling a dear friend who lives down the street and at 6 o'clock on a Saturday morning, she graciously showed up at my doorstep with her baby to stay with the boys. Thank you thank you thank you.

I'll try not to be so longwinded, but I have to share this small victory with you. When we arrived, the waiting room was about 3/4s full and every new patient was being told it was over an hour wait. A patient who had been there for a while already came up to the front to ask how much longer and she was told she would be next. I texted some close friends and family and asked them to begin praying for a bed for Brandon. Within 10 minutes we were taken back - even before the "next" patient! He is on a stretcher in the hallway, but his care was started and we are so grateful and celebrating that miracle!

Crohn's stinks, and we're waiting on scan results now... I have this funny feeling we're looking at surgery this time around, but our God is good and I trust Him!

Please join us in prayer! We love you all and will update when we can!

A Crohn's Emergency Room Visit

Our Crohn's Emergency Room Experience

 

Basically if you have Crohn's, it really stinks to have to go to the Emergency Room. Because you're in lots of pain, really nauseous (with potential of throwing up in front of other people - awful, just awful), and feeling really bloated, but you're not considered to be a "life-threatening" case in the eyes of the ER staff. That being said, things move realllllllllly slow for you. Why? Because the guy who comes in having a heart attack, and the family who've been in a car accident take precedent and your doctor ends up spending lots of time with them, and you lay there looking at the same spot on the wall for, eh, roughly 15+ hours.

This was us in the Emergency Room today. We saw a hospitalist right away, got labs and some other tests done quickly, and then sat... and sat... and sat some more, waiting for Brandon to be taken back to Radiology for a CT scan. Then we waited for um, a long time, and a little while longer, for the results to be read. Then we waited for someone to come and tell us the results. Then we saw a few more doctors and did a little more waiting. Oh, and we're still waiting. Ha. No, really, we are.

Brandon has a partial intestinal blockage at the site where they stapled him back together after removing those 18 inches in his surgery a year ago. One of the physicians showed us the CT scan and it is crazy that you can see where he was put back together and how different the intestines are above and below that site. No wonder the poor guy is in so much pain. (Insert sad face emoji.)

The whole day I was afraid someone was going to say the "S" word. You know, "surgery." The whole day basically feels like a blur, since I'm running on 4 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, and a lot of adrenaline (and anxiety). The GI surgeon came to see Brandon this afternoon and said that they'd like to take a conservative approach, but then the GI doc called and said that the site of the blockage is too high to reach through a lower scope and too low to reach through an upper endoscopy. Sooo, essentially, our options are steroids and medications and time OR ... the "S" word. (insert despair face emoji, or the sad face one again, or let's be real, both of them)

I cannot tell you how exhausting an Emergency Room visit of this magnitude is. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who have been blessed enough to have never had to visit the ER, its just this crazy hurry-up-and-wait, anxiety-filled time of pain and unease, and getting really stiff (hospital furniture leaves a lot to be desired). Plus, there's this thing called shift change, where all the nursing staff switches out and you have to get to know a new nurse, feel them out (you know, whether they have a good attitude or if they stink, or whatever) and tell your story AGAIN. We probably said the same thing 16 times today, because that many doctors and nurses were in and out of our ER room. Plus, its this disjointed awkward retelling of the story, because we're sleep deprived, one of us is doped up on pain meds, and we can't remember who we told what, and when. And leaving out details is not an option, not when your intestines are at stake anyway.

On a high note, I got to eat a really lackluster sandwich from the hospital cafeteria, and Brandon didn't have to drink contrast for his CT scan. I kid, I kid. That was my attempt at sarcasm as a coping mechanism, but I really did have a pretty lifeless sandwich and Brandon really didn't have to drink contrast, which is a blessing, because when you're bloated and feeling full and overly nauseous, being told you have to drink 32 oz of wanna-be powerade-like syrup is definitely awful.

Please pray that he will get admitted quickly and get into a room upstairs soon. He has been laying on a stretcher (again, it leaves a lot to be desired, or in Brandon's words "Its a glorified piece of cardboard") ALL DAY and he's ready to be a little more comfortable. Also, please be praying that the GI doctors and GI surgeons can collaborate well together tomorrow and come up with a solid solution. While we're praying we can avoid surgery, we also want the best solution for the long-term. We don't want to put a bandaid on a big problem and end up back here again next week.

Pray that we can get some rest, that the boys experience some normalcy, and that we can arrange for childcare for them if I need to be with Brandon at the hospital.

Thank you for being our prayer warriors, and for reading such rousing and comical posts (read: long and heavy/depressing) about our experience with Crohns and our long day in the Emergency Room.

Look for more rousing and entertaining satires later (insert big toothy smile emoji, or the laughing one).

Crohns Strikes Again... The Recurring Nightmare

I write this sitting in a vinyl Emergency Room chair beside my husband, who is currently hooked up to monitors and IVs laying on a stretcher. He's drifting in and out of a pain-medication-induced sleep. We've been up since around 3:00am. Brandon didn't sleep well before that either, because he was up at midnight in pain and nauseous, so its good that he can get a little reprieve from the pain now.

Mean Crohns... leave my boy alone.

Meanwhile, I've been watching the hospital's logo bounce around on a monitor and listening to the night-shift nurses switch out for the day shift while I surf the internet desperately researching what our options are. It was deja vu to walk into this ER at this hospital, because a) I used to work here and b) it feels like we were just here with Brandon. It has almost been a year since Brandon was here last and had surgery. Why, Lord, why are we back so soon?

We're currently waiting on radiology to come take Brandon back for a CT scan, and he's already had some labs and other tests done.

Our major concern at this time is that Brandon may have to have surgery again if he has another intestinal blockage. We are also very concerned that either the Humira injections are not working, or that his type of Crohn's is truly so aggressive that it can't keep up. I don't want to bore you with the details but Brandon has an aggressive type of Crohns called stricturing Crohns, which basically means that when he eats, his intestines get aggravated, and when that happens sometimes his intestines get angry and inflame - a flare - and when they get super mad at him, scar tissue forms. When the scar tissue forms, a layer is added to the inside of his intestines, making it slightly smaller in diameter. Think of it like this... say you have an empty paper towel roll and you pour thick paint on the inside every day for a year. Each time the paint is poured on the inside of the roll, a layer of paint forms, drys, and the next day another layer is added on top. Eventually, you won't have a hollow roll anymore, because the layers of paint are so thick. That's what's happening to Brandon's insides, except a little less colorful and definitely more painful.

We have more questions than answers at this time and I'll be sure to update later when we know more, but for now, please pray for my husband. This is like a nightmare to be back in this place of pain and the unknown. If you want to get specific, here's how you can pray with us:

• That the tests would be done quickly and be conclusive
• That his doctor or someone familiar with his case will be here today and can consult with the ED physicians
• That his pain and nausea would be eliminated
• That we will get answers about a solution that will work longterm (whether Humira injections or not)
• That he won't have to have surgery, but if he does that it would be minor and quick with no complications
• That he won't worry about missing work and that his coworkers will have a light day in his absence 
• That I will have the time and clarity of though to get some work done while we're here
• That our boys won't worry and that they will have a fun day (Paxton was upset this morning when he found out where mommy and daddy had to go - break my heart :( ) 

Thank you for praying with us! I hope to have a very positive update soon!

PS If anyone has any advice or experience with Crohns, we'd love to hear from you. Or if you want to leave a note of encouragement for Brandon in the comments below this post, I will read them to him when he is up to it! I know it will help him feel better! :)

And So It Begins...

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives... with Humira, that is.

We received word late last week that our insurance company had approved the Humira injections for Brandon! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Just to recap, or in case you missed it, these injections cost $6,000 to start, and the monthly maintenance dosage cost is $2,000, so for insurance to approve this and help with the cost is amazing and SO very very needed!

For the last 2 weeks, we have prayed diligently over Brandon and the decisions we've needed to make regarding this medication. As with any medication, there are side effects. We are primarily concerned about the side effect of Lymphoma and any side effects with regards to fertility in the future. Let me state right now, NO we are not trying to get pregnant right now. However, we have decided that we may want to try for a third child at some point in the future (the distant future as Brandon calls it ;) ). With that being said, those are serious concerns for us. Brandon's doctor immediately called out the fact that there is an increased chance that he could develop Lymphoma, which is a type of cancer. The "c" word scares me, and I really don't want to even think about this part of the whole deal. (If I ignore it, it will go away, right?!) We also don't know how the Humira could affect our trying to conceive another baby one day, or if there could be birth defects that result. The other factor to all of this is that his body could potentially not respond to the medication and we would be back at square one.

Despite these concerns, Brandon has felt a peace about beginning this medication. He is trusting in the wisdom of his medical team and that the Lord holds his future. We may not know what tomorrow looks like, but we know with certainty that the Lord our God is the perfect author of our story. He has written the beautiful pages of our lives and continues to create a most complicated and precious storyline that is one we hope to look back on and be proud of.

Today we received 6 pens of Humira on dry ice on our front doorstep. We were both giddy and a little sweaty-palmed as we opened the contents of what feels like the fate of our future. So today, we decide to document our experience and show the very real side of what life will be like in this home. Brandon will begin his onboarding of Humira with 4 injections today, and will continue with 2 more in 2 weeks and one injection every 2 weeks for the rest of his life. If that sounds as scary as it feels while I'm typing it, it is. While we may view Humira as our lifeline to normalcy and a life without pain and discomfort it is only because it is the object of our attention, and we know that our true hope is in Christ Jesus and that He holds us and loves us through every step.

Enjoy our very first VLOG (that would be a VIDEO blog :) and just a word of caution, it may not be suitable if you're squeamish around needles!):

A Day of Hospital Tests and Just As Many Questions As Answers

As most of you know from reading this, today Brandon had an MRI at UNC Hospitals. He was scheduled to have an MRI at 9:00am and then see his doctor immediately following.  I could tell he was nervous and got up bright and early to get to work before he had to be at the hospital. He told me this morning that his main concern about the MRI was having to drink contrast, because it causes major discomfort in his abdomen, and plus it tastes disgusting. Well, he ended up having to drink the contrast not once, but TWICE, because it wasn't showing up clearly enough on the scan.

MAJOR BUMMER.

I told him "you can do anything for a short amount of time" because that's what my mama always told me growing up anytime I had to do something difficult or uncomfortable.

After the MRI, Brandon went right to clinic and was seen by his doctor. There he was told that most likely he would have surgery on Monday, and then he was whisked away for bloodwork, and back to the clinic.

Yes, our hearts stopped...

It turns out that we have good news and bad news.

The good news is that Brandon doesn't have to have surgery (today, at least) after review of the MRI, or an abdominal stent put in (think balloon heart catheter, but for your intestines).

The bad news is that Brandon has a very aggressive form of Crohn's disease and his MRI showed that his intestines are highly inflamed. The doctor said that about 20% of Crohn's patients have his type of Crohn's disease: Stricturing Crohns, which basically means his intestines are constantly inflaming and forming scar tissue.

If you're following along, you're probably putting 2 and 2 together. Brandon has a flare up, scar tissue forms, repeat repeat repeat, Brandon has surgery, Brandon has flare up, scar tissue forms, repeat repeat repeat, until when? Until he has nothing left? Until he's been cut open more times that we can count?

So what's the plan?

The plan is to immediately begin a steroid regimen to try and decrease the inflammation. Long-term, the plan is to have Humira injections multiple times a month. The nurse is working on getting insurance approval for this therapy though, because initial injection costs are $6,000 and regular monthly maintenance costs are $2,000. We are praying that insurance will pay the majority of this cost, because once Brandon begins this kind of therapy, he can't stop it and begin it again because his body will develop antibodies to it and it will be ineffective.

This worries me. There are only a handful of drugs out there that will work with this kind of condition. And there is a 50% success rate with each one. And even if one of these drugs works for him, there are lots of side effects.

We are swimming in information from today. It seems like so much to know all at once, and we want to make the right decisions, not just for right now, but for long term. We have so many questions about how to manage this condition and what is best for Brandon. Please pray with us over several things:

For complete healing... but if not...

That the inflammation would go down with the course of steroids and that no further intervention is needed to get over this flare.

That the insurance would cover the cost of the injections.

That his body would respond positively to the injections and the other medication he will be put on.

That he would suffer no side effects.

We are so thankful that we have such an army of prayerful friends who are joining us and lifting us up. We are surrounded by friends and family who have shown us love and concern and have kept encouraging us all day long. My phone battery is dead already because of all the messages I received constantly all day. You all are the best. We love you so much! You don't know just how much your kind words mean to us.

We want Christ to be glorified through our lives and how we respond during trials like this one. We are grateful, desperately grateful, for His grace and mercy because though the last year has been nothing like we ever imagined, we are far more blessed than we even know. We sat at home tonight and soaked up our beautiful family. We can only hope and pray that God is using this to mold us to do great things for His glory and that others may come to know the source of our strength, for we are not along.

I was reminded today of that beautiful promise when I heard a certain song on the radio and thought of this verse:

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

A Fairytale Wedding + A Crohn's Update & Prayer Request

I've struggled for awhile with what to blog about, so that's why my posts have been scarce since Brandon's hospitalization. It feels like every time I want to sit down and start a new post, I can't quite seem to come up with the words.

I guess I'll just dive right in this time so I won't have time to think about it.

This past Saturday, Brandon's brother Brad got married. Last week was an exciting week because it was spent...

Putting last minute touches on Jessica's garters that I was making:

Finishing up sewing the boys' bowties:

Completing the burlap ring bearer pillow I made for Paxton to carry (picture to come later), getting pedicures with the bridal party...

Going to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner:

And of course anticipating the big day on Saturday. Brandon was going to play golf with the groom and other groomsmen Saturday morning and I was going to spend my *birthday* morning (yep! My birthday was on Saturday, the day of the wedding!) with the boys and waiting for my mom and Deryl to arrive.

All was going great (wedding crafts completed - check! pedicure - check! rehearsal - check! golfing - check!) and the boys decided they wanted to treat mommy to a pancake breakfast :)

Around lunchtime, Mom and Deryl arrived and took the boys and I out for lunch and when we got back home, the plan was for me to change into my dress, doublecheck we had everything we needed for the wedding, and leave in time to get pictures with the bride and bridal party before the wedding.

Here's my opportunity to use that creepy line in suspense novels...

Then the phone rang...

Yeah, I did it. I said the creepy suspense novel line. Whatever. But seriously, the phone rang.

Anyway, Brandon called and I immediately knew something was wrong. He, in a very strained voice, asked if I had left yet because if I hadn't, I needed to come pick him up ASAP. He was having severe pain - hospital level pain - and wasn't sure he was going to be able to get out of the bathroom without help, let alone stand alongside his brother at the wedding later.

This wasn't the plan. The plan was to meet at the wedding, have a glorious time celebrating 2 people we love so dearly and for everything to go smoothly. The plan was to dance the night away, eat wedding/birthday cake, and cry happy tears at how great mushy-gushy love stories are.

The plan was for life to be normal after surgery... The plan was to have a bit of a BREAK after mountains of medical debt, months of turmoil, and years of pain...

But instead, I found myself throwing clothes in a hospital bag in my floor-length dress I had already changed into, grabbing phone chargers and socks for just in case, and barreling down I-40 to get to my husband as quickly as possible.

In the span of less than an hour, I had made arrangements for Paxton to get to the wedding (you know, just in case Brandon and I were stuck in the ER somewhere), packed a hospital bag, and talked with him several times to check on him before I got there. On the way to drop Paxton off with Cole (thanks Uncle Cole!!!), Paxton sensed something was wrong and immediately told me that we should pray for daddy's tummy:

"Dear God, can you please help my daddy's tummy feel better? He's real sick and me and mommy are worried about him. If you could help his tummy feel better and help us get a great night's sleep, thanks! Amen!" (He always prays that we'll get a great night's sleep... guess we pray about that a lot!)

Brandon was weak. Really, really weak, and in lots of pain. Luckily, he had pain medication leftover from after surgery and he took some. And then took some more. (And maybe a little bit more.) He was literally sucking on pain pills because he couldn't swallow anything and keep it down. My poor, sweet husband was determined to make it to that wedding. I know that all he could think about in that moment was not letting his little brother down. He thinks so much of Brad, of what a strong young man he's grown into, and wanted so desperately to be able to stand beside him on such an important day.

We called on prayer warriors to get us through the evening and pretty much expected to be heading to the hospital after the wedding ceremony. Our church was asked to begin praying, and we had tons of family and close friends on the job as well. Brandon was a little loopy from the pain meds, but made it through the ceremony and we were able to stay for the reception too, only by God's grace! Brandon was hungry (and nauseous from having pain medication on an empty stomach) but wanted to just go home and see if he could sleep. He spent much of the next day in bed or in the recliner and tried eating small portions at a time to see how his body would react.

See, he had been in a Crohn's flare for the past week and a half but was able to control it by limiting what he ate and trying not to overdo it. He kept saying that he knew something was different and that it didn't feel right. He had been using essential oils before each meal and that seemed to really help but he knew something was off. The pain the day of the wedding was "blockage" kind of pain and to be quite honest, that terrifies me.

Why? Because there's no way we could possibly have to go through what we went through last year so soon, right? He wouldn't have to have surgery... again... would he? We couldn't possibly have more medical bills and more pain and more time out of work, right?

Right?

This week has been spent trying to arrange doctor's visits so we can avoid an ER visit and of course UNC doesn't have an appointment until July, and this integrative natural doctor's office we're trying to get in with doesn't have anything until August. OK... really?!

But today, the nurse for Brandon's doctor at UNC called him and said that they are moving appointments around in the morning because he needs to be seen ASAP. He was immediately put on the schedule to have an MRI at 9:00am tomorrow and to see the doctor in clinic right afterwards. If you know anything about big hospital systems like UNC, you know that the doctor must be concerned, because things just don't move that quickly.

We are worried. When the doctor moves patients around just to see you, you get a little nervous. I've caught Brandon several times tonight, eyebrows furrowed, with eyes lost deep in thought. He's worried about taking the time away from his job to have the appointment, he's worried about the appointment, and he's worried about his health.

I'm worried, because my husband is worried. The good news in all of this is that we don't have to worry.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself, Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and supplication, present your requests to the Lord." Phillipians 4:6

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you, he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

We are asking that you, our friends and family, join us in prayer tonight, and tomorrow as Brandon spends the morning in testing (they mentioned possibly needing to do a scope too!) and with the doctor. We are specifically praying for peace, wisdom for the doctors, positive results, and a simple longterm solution.

There is much more to our story I'd like to share but it seems as though I've written a book. Maybe, if you'll let me, I'll share bits and pieces in the weeks to come.

Thankful Things Aren't Worse

After my last post about ending our crazy 2014, I got an overwhelming amount of responses from you. It took a long time to go through and process the comments, messages and texts from everyone and I've spent a long time thinking back through what I wrote.

My reaction to a few of the responses was immediate guilt. I confessed to Brandon that I felt guilty for even writing any of our story down because we could have had it so much worse. Memories of my friends who lost precious babies flashed through my mind. I thought of one friend who said goodbye to her sweet mama this year and my problems immediately shrank. My mind drifted to those that I know who are battling cancer - who are weak and tired and sick from chemo and radiation and surgery.

A friend of mine sent me a message and told me this:

It's hard to bring yourself to a place of such faithfulness that you can be thankful that things aren't worse, instead of wishing they were better. There's a big difference between the two! 

That struck such a chord with me and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it. I struggled with this before this year... I would find myself wishing things were better (or different) instead of thanking God that things weren't worse. After the year we had, I've found I don't have time to wish things were better, but I've been overwhelmed with praise and thankfulness that we've had the trials we've had, and not worse ones! To my friend who put it so eloquently, thank you!

I think I will silently relive pieces of our year for a long time... how could I not?! The moments I wrote about feel so fresh and real that they could have happened yesterday. I think we're supposed to remember moments like those so we can grow and move forward. 

In one short year, I saw my husband both confident in the hard work and long hours he was putting in at work, and weak and begging for help from a post-op hospital bed. Have you ever seen your other half so vulnerable it makes you cry? It is a humbling moment for sure. I wiped salty tears from my cheeks while I watched my tall (dark and handsome too!) sweet husband writhe in that hospital bed, begging me to make it stop. He never spoke above a whisper, but quietly pleaded with me to help him. The wires he was hooked up to led to machines that beeped and hummed with what seemed like the very sounds of his pain. I grieved for I could not make it better. 

Parts of our year seem fuzzy around the edges, almost like they were bits of a dream, instead of what we really went through. I think God dulls the sharp edges of the harsh times, so that we can still stomach the memories of them, long after they're over. To be quite honest, I still can hardly believe that I spent several nights pumping breast milk for my baby, and laying on a fold out hospital chair-bed to sleep, inches from my husband's IV pole. 

Was that even reality? 

It was ours for a brief time, and I can't seem to express my gratitude enough for God's grace to us during the past year.

Post Hospital Update

We are a week and a half post hospital stay. Home has never been sweeter and never felt so good to Brandon. I would say that other than the patches of hair missing from his arms from where the iv tape ripped it out, he's like his old self, but that just wouldn't be true.

He stands up a little slower, turns a little more gingerly, and has to stop and rest often. He's very aware of the incision that sits right at belt level on his stomach and we quickly became paranoid about any sudden movements the boys made while near Brandon. He's also quickly become quite joyful at the fact that he can eat and isn't in monstrous pain anymore. In fact, just the other day he said to me "hey babe... I think that in a couple of weeks I'm gonna feel like a million bucks!"

Praise. The. Lord!

He has a follow-up appointment in a few weeks with the surgeon, and then one with a new GI doc to talk about a plan for managing the Crohn's. Until that time, he is to pay close attention to what his body can and cannot tolerate, and his only "real" restriction is that he cannot lift more than 10 pounds.

He has had minimal pain and nausea since we've been home and we are so grateful because we've heard stories of quite the opposite. He tires easily and this is very frustrating to him, since he feels better than before, yet his body is still limiting him in what he can do. He gains stamina and strength each day and I can tell he has improved tremendously since discharge day.

We have been showered in love, and prayer, and blessings through this entire ordeal. We have run into people around town who tell us they've been praying for us, had meals paid for, enjoyed delicious dinners, and received generous gifts. Perhaps the best gift of all has been knowing how loved we are and how our God has carefully held us in the palm of His hand through the last month.

I can't seem to find the words to say thank you, but please know, that the sincerest breathe of thanks is on our lips at all times. We felt our community swell up around us and shelter us in our time of need. I think some of you cried my tears and prayed my prayers so that I wouldn't have to bear it alone. Thank you.

Day 11 Hospital Update

Can you believe Brandon has been in the hospital for 11 days?! That's crazy! I have frequently asked myself over the last 11 days "is this real life?!" because I can hardly believe that this is our reality.

But yall... Brandon is doing so good!

His IV line was disconnected (but left in just in case), his pain ball was removed (a snazzy little contraption that was delivering additional pain medication thru a tiny little tube into his stomach right at the surgery site), he's eating food - real food! - and he's walking laps around the nurses' station! Oh, and he's showered and dressed too!

So far so good... and this may be TMI but once things get a movin' and a groovin' through his system (if ya know what I mean), then the surgeon is going to evaluate and he might get to go home!

We are thriiiiiilled at the possibility of him coming home this week! He misses the boys something fierce and I know we'll all sleep better once we're together again! Plus, we're kind of over this whole hospital experience. I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone has been great. Even the housekeeper (Hannah) stopped me in the hall today and said she missed getting to see me yesterday and wanted to know if I had a good day (yeah - we bonded!). But seriously, I won't miss these things:

• sleeping on a "chair/bed" aka a piece of plywood with plether stretched over it that converts into a "sleeping" surface
• fixing my hair in the hospital room
• pumping in the hospital room (and just finally not caring if a nurse or NA walked in while I pumped)
• trying to figure out how to keep said breastmilk cold for extended periods of time after I pumped and before I would get to go home again
• watching my hubby be in pain
• watching my hubby worry
• having to pay to park to visit my husband
• worrying about how the boys are doing not seeing their daddy
• worrying about how the boys will do seeing their daddy in the hospital
• worrying about my hubby while I'm with the boys
• freaking out about germs while being in the hospital
• worrying about work while in the hospital
• worrying about irritating people with my updates
• worrying about imposing on people and accepting copious amounts of help from my friends

Pray with us for discharge from the hospital soon! Continue to pray for no complications and no infection as well. 

In other news, this video made Brandon's day. By the time I got to the hospital today, he had shown all the nurses :) 

Post-Op Funnies and an Update

Didn't someone once say that laughter is medicine for the soul? Boy, did we need some laughter last night because our souls were so sad. Watching Brandon in so much pain was devastating and heart wrenching. If you've ever watched someone you love be in excruciating pain, you know the awful feelings it evokes in you. Like watching your child fall and get hurt and cry that "what-just-happened-to-me?-please-take-this-pain-away" cry.

Misery. Instant knotted-up-pain-in-your-gut misery.

One of the things we joked about before surgery was how I was going to record Brandon as he was waking up from the anesthesia to capture any "funnies." Some people come out of surgery and are a stitch and their YouTube video gets a million hits because they flirt with the nurse post wisdom teeth removal. Brandon was in too much pain in recovery for me to video (although I did take one picture to capture the sheer pain and pitiful moment we shared) but he did say some things that were all at once both precious (and tender) and hilarious.

I got a "Bethanyyyyyyyyy... Thank you for marrying meeeeee" in the recovery room. :)

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I also got a "Bethanyyyyyyy... I love youuuu. You're beautiful... And we have AWESOME kids." :)

<> "Aw babe, I love you too and yes! we do have awesome kids!"

Brandon kept murmuring all evening through the cries of pain "We are so blessed, so so blessed" and telling me how beautiful I am.

How did I end up with this man? This man who has lived for so long in pain and discomfort and yet he's here in his hospital room telling me how beautiful I am. I am so blessed!

He kept asking all evening and into the wee hours of the morning "am I doing ok?" and "do I have a good attitude?" He's a far better patient than I could ever be! The nurses and aides all love him because he is so kind and not demanding at all. He remembers all of their names and when the aide - Vivian - walked in last night, she thought he was asleep so she quietly walked to the other side of the bed and we heard Brandon say "Hey Viv!" ... I guess they're on a personal nickname basis! We got a real kick out of that!

Today, Brandon has been able to get out of bed and sit up to eat. And when I say eat, I mean, he's managed to keep down a few bites of jello and some spoonfuls of chicken broth. Woohoo!

Poor guy. He's been so long without food (over a week now!), and he's so excited that it won't hurt to eat anymore, that he's been dreaming of everything he'll be able to eat once he's out of here. We can't hardly watch tv without hearing a "oooooooooooh yeah" during food commercials and apparently his sense of hearing has been heightened since being here, because he can hear even my stealth-like moves with the fork gliding through the air toward my mouth and comes up with a quick "what are you eating NOW, Bethany?!"<>

The boys came to visit today and that has been the highlight of his day. He has told me over and over that he misses his buddies and that we have awesome kids. Paxton was very good and kept asking Brandon "how you doin' now Dad?" and "can I see where the doctors fixed your belly, Dad?" And Maverick wanted so badly to climb on the bed with Brandon that I had to hold him back! Oh, I can't wait until we can all be at home together again!

His incision site has continued to bleed through the night and today so we are praying for no infection and that it would heal quickly. The pain is being managed fairly well right now and we're trying to stay on top of it so he doesn't get to the place where he was last night.

Thank you for putting up with my constant updates and begs for prayer. We have been overwhelmed with the support we've received and feel so loved. Brandon asks several times a day if I will sit down and read all the messages, texts, and comments to him and I know that is so good for his spirit to know there is an army of supporters out there praying for him. We love you all.

The Waiting Game and Some Good News

Hurry up and wait...

Brandon's surgery was scheduled for noon today but he didn't get taken to the OR until 2:00. We were OK for a while because we spent the majority of the morning praying over Brandon and fellowshipping with dear, sweet friends who came to visit. To those who came to pray with him - thank you! You not only did the single greatest thing you can do for him - pray - but you also helped occupy his thoughts until it was time to go down for surgery. We were able to laugh and share stories and ignore the gnawing ache in our bellies, and for that we are so grateful!

Once back we were back in the OR prep area, we tried passing the time with small talk and taking pictures of his sexy new hat (read: hair net). Then we saw a small child with white blonde hair get rolled past our bay in a crib. The child was sedated and had tubes everywhere. Brandon and I looked at each other and said "things could be worse."

The surgeon told us to wait in Brandon's room and that he would come see us after the surgery was done. He came in a few minutes ago and told us that Brandon did great! He had to take out 18 inches of Brandon's small intestine, that he said was so scarred and swollen that he couldn't have fit the end of a pencil through, it was that bad. He said there was another section of affected intestine but that he didn't feel he could take it out during this operation. He said that we will most likely be able to manage it with medication for a long time but that it might need to come out later down the road.

One of our answers to prayer was that Brandon did not have to have an ostomy bag! We are thrilled that the bag was avoided! Praise the Lord!

Now, we wait again. Wait for Brandon to come out of recovery and wait for him to feel better.

After the surgeon left, I sobbed. I broke down and sobbed 6 days worth of pent up tears and anxiety and thankfulness for all we've been so blessed with. We serve a mighty God. We serve a good God, a very good God.

I cannot seem to come up with the words enough to say thank you to the prayer warriors who have lifted us up and cried out to God on our behalf.

"It is of the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

I don't know about yall, but it sure feels like morning!!