It's surgery-eve.
Is that a thing? It is now. Its like Christmas Eve, except instead of the giddy anticipation and sheer excitement about what the next morning will bring, there's a knot in the pit of my stomach - like a big burger eaten way too fast that's not going anywhere anytime soon - and my fingers are trembling like I've had too much coffee. The "I know I won't be able to sleep" feeling is the same as Christmas Eve, but beyond that, not much else can compare.
I feel like one of those cheap plastic toys that you pull back until it sounds like you've broken something inside and once you let it go, it zooms across the floor. I'm pretty sure that if I put my running shoes on, I could run for at least 6 miles. I sit down to write this, get up for water, sit down to reply to more Facebook and Instagram messages, get up for more ice cream (yes, I said "more", don't judge me - its been a stressful week, ok?!), sit down to try and finish this paragraph, stand up, sit down, and basically feel like popcorn, since I can't sit still.
I feel like a big fat ball of nerves.
I'm also feeling pretty inadequate. If I can be truthful (and let's be honest, I've said it before and I'll say it now: this is my blog that hardly anyone reads but my mom so I'm always truthful), I feel like this juggler has just ruined the show. We've always joked that I need a clone, because I have so much I want to get done in life and 24 hours in a day just isn't enough time, but I'm serious. I need a clone this week because so far I've only been half a wife and half a mother, and have made serious withdrawals from the friend bank that are landing me with overdraft penalties.
I want to be at the hospital 24/7 with my brave, sweet husband, to hold his hand, and hold him up and yet I'm only able to be there half of the time. Thankfully we have pretty awesome family members who volunteer to stay with him when I cannot be.
It is a crazy, beautiful thing to feel the love that you have for your spouse expand while you're watching him in the eerie glow of a dark hospital room struggle to sleep. With every tick and beep and hum of the machines in the room, I felt the vows that we promised to one another almost 8 years ago thump in my ears.
"In sickness and in health... where you go, I will go, and where you stay, there will I stay also."
I love this man. And, oh! how my heart aches that he is so sick. I'm a fixer, and Brandon will tell you, I pull out any and every piece of advice I can think of to try and help the situation and unfortunately all I can do this time is sit by his side and cry out to God on his behalf. I have no magic solution, no miracle answer.
Mostly all I have is a handful of my inadequate feelings, and a few tears to go with them.
Then there are our boys. Oh, our sweet, precious boys. My Paxton is so worried about his daddy it makes my stomach hurt. He has always been so concerned about others and will think about those who are hurting long after everyone else has moved on. He goes to sleep asking about his daddy, and wakes up begging me to go visit him. He's very aware this time that something is not right and things are not normal. He is such a daddy's boy that I'm worried how this will affect him.
And precious baby Mav. Maverick - the baby God gave us in the midst of a stormy year. The baby whose calm affect has soothed this mama on more than one occasion. I have craved his sweet snuggles more than ever these last few days and I hope he forgives me for not being there to tuck him in each night while daddy is sick.
I have effectively been ineffective at my two primary roles this last week and this morning, for the first time this hospitalization, I broke down. I was glad no one else was around because it was the "ugly cry." I am so frustrated at myself for not being able to carry the torch as both mommy and wife this week and to be quite honest, I'm trying to hold off the "why this is happening to us" monster at the same time. I'm tired, and I'm worried, but I don't have time to be tired, and I can't show that I'm worried and honestly its all a bit exhausting.
I'm also not very good at accepting help from others and I've gotten a big dose of "well I'll show you" this past year because I feel like all I've done is show up at the friend bank for another withdrawal. To the friends I owe debts to, please know that I am deeply deeply grateful to each and every one of you and I am convinced that we have the best family and friends in the world.
If you're reading this and you want to pray for us, we would be so grateful to you. Our God holds us, our nerves, and our inadequacies in the palm of His hand. I'm praying specifically that God would be glorified through our circumstances and that my husband would be wrapped in a supernatural calm over the next 24 hours.
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