The Waiting Game and Some Good News

Hurry up and wait...

Brandon's surgery was scheduled for noon today but he didn't get taken to the OR until 2:00. We were OK for a while because we spent the majority of the morning praying over Brandon and fellowshipping with dear, sweet friends who came to visit. To those who came to pray with him - thank you! You not only did the single greatest thing you can do for him - pray - but you also helped occupy his thoughts until it was time to go down for surgery. We were able to laugh and share stories and ignore the gnawing ache in our bellies, and for that we are so grateful!

Once back we were back in the OR prep area, we tried passing the time with small talk and taking pictures of his sexy new hat (read: hair net). Then we saw a small child with white blonde hair get rolled past our bay in a crib. The child was sedated and had tubes everywhere. Brandon and I looked at each other and said "things could be worse."

The surgeon told us to wait in Brandon's room and that he would come see us after the surgery was done. He came in a few minutes ago and told us that Brandon did great! He had to take out 18 inches of Brandon's small intestine, that he said was so scarred and swollen that he couldn't have fit the end of a pencil through, it was that bad. He said there was another section of affected intestine but that he didn't feel he could take it out during this operation. He said that we will most likely be able to manage it with medication for a long time but that it might need to come out later down the road.

One of our answers to prayer was that Brandon did not have to have an ostomy bag! We are thrilled that the bag was avoided! Praise the Lord!

Now, we wait again. Wait for Brandon to come out of recovery and wait for him to feel better.

After the surgeon left, I sobbed. I broke down and sobbed 6 days worth of pent up tears and anxiety and thankfulness for all we've been so blessed with. We serve a mighty God. We serve a good God, a very good God.

I cannot seem to come up with the words enough to say thank you to the prayer warriors who have lifted us up and cried out to God on our behalf.

"It is of the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

I don't know about yall, but it sure feels like morning!!

A Big Ball of Nerves and Feeling Inadequate

It's surgery-eve.

Is that a thing? It is now. Its like Christmas Eve, except instead of the giddy anticipation and sheer excitement about what the next morning will bring, there's a knot in the pit of my stomach - like a big burger eaten way too fast that's not going anywhere anytime soon - and my fingers are trembling like I've had too much coffee. The "I know I won't be able to sleep" feeling is the same as Christmas Eve, but beyond that, not much else can compare.

I feel like one of those cheap plastic toys that you pull back until it sounds like you've broken something inside and once you let it go, it zooms across the floor. I'm pretty sure that if I put my running shoes on, I could run for at least 6 miles. I sit down to write this, get up for water, sit down to reply to more Facebook and Instagram messages, get up for more ice cream (yes, I said "more", don't judge me - its been a stressful week, ok?!), sit down to try and finish this paragraph, stand up, sit down, and basically feel like popcorn, since I can't sit still.

I feel like a big fat ball of nerves.

I'm also feeling pretty inadequate. If I can be truthful (and let's be honest, I've said it before and I'll say it now: this is my blog that hardly anyone reads but my mom so I'm always truthful), I feel like this juggler has just ruined the show. We've always joked that I need a clone, because I have so much I want to get done in life and 24 hours in a day just isn't enough time, but I'm serious. I need a clone this week because so far I've only been half a wife and half a mother, and have made serious withdrawals from the friend bank that are landing me with overdraft penalties.

I want to be at the hospital 24/7 with my brave, sweet husband, to hold his hand, and hold him up and yet I'm only able to be there half of the time. Thankfully we have pretty awesome family members who volunteer to stay with him when I cannot be.

It is a crazy, beautiful thing to feel the love that you have for your spouse expand while you're watching him in the eerie glow of a dark hospital room struggle to sleep. With every tick and beep and hum of the machines in the room, I felt the vows that we promised to one another almost 8 years ago thump in my ears.

"In sickness and in health... where you go, I will go, and where you stay, there will I stay also."

I love this man. And, oh! how my heart aches that he is so sick. I'm a fixer, and Brandon will tell you, I pull out any and every piece of advice I can think of to try and help the situation and unfortunately all I can do this time is sit by his side and cry out to God on his behalf. I have no magic solution, no miracle answer.

Mostly all I have is a handful of my inadequate feelings, and a few tears to go with them.

Then there are our boys. Oh, our sweet, precious boys. My Paxton is so worried about his daddy it makes my stomach hurt. He has always been so concerned about others and will think about those who are hurting long after everyone else has moved on. He goes to sleep asking about his daddy, and wakes up begging me to go visit him. He's very aware this time that something is not right and things are not normal. He is such a daddy's boy that I'm worried how this will affect him.

And precious baby Mav. Maverick - the baby God gave us in the midst of a stormy year. The baby whose calm affect has soothed this mama on more than one occasion. I have craved his sweet snuggles more than ever these last few days and I hope he forgives me for not being there to tuck him in each night while daddy is sick.

I have effectively been ineffective at my two primary roles this last week and this morning, for the first time this hospitalization, I broke down. I was glad no one else was around because it was the "ugly cry." I am so frustrated at myself for not being able to carry the torch as both mommy and wife this week and to be quite honest, I'm trying to hold off the "why this is happening to us" monster at the same time. I'm tired, and I'm worried, but I don't have time to be tired, and I can't show that I'm worried and honestly its all a bit exhausting.

I'm also not very good at accepting help from others and I've gotten a big dose of "well I'll show you" this past year because I feel like all I've done is show up at the friend bank for another withdrawal. To the friends I owe debts to, please know that I am deeply deeply grateful to each and every one of you and I am convinced that we have the best family and friends in the world.

If you're reading this and you want to pray for us, we would be so grateful to you. Our God holds us, our nerves, and our inadequacies in the palm of His hand. I'm praying specifically that God would be glorified through our circumstances and that my husband would be wrapped in a supernatural calm over the next 24 hours.

Day 6 of Hospital Stay Number 2

Today is day 3... at least in this hospital... for this particular stay. We were at another hospital for 3 and a half days before we were transferred here, to UNC Hospitals.

Brandon woke up last Friday morning in intense pain (today is Thursday) and tried to get up and go to work. By the time I was supposed to leave for work, I had given Brandon his pain medication and was coaching him through keeping it down. When the pain gets that intense and his intestines are blocked like they were, he starts vomiting violently. Its pretty sad. I talked him through not throwing up the pain medication for about 20 minutes and he was able to get back into bed where he stayed the rest of the day.

We called his doctor and immediately did what he said, hoping we could keep him out of the hospital.

Weeeell, that didn't really work out.

Is this real life? Is my husband in the hospital?!  It has been the most surreal experience. I feel like I'm sitting behind a glass window, watching the world go on their merry way, carrying on as usual - going to work, out for a jog, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, eating out, walking the dog, etc - and here I am, sleeping on a "chair/bed" (more like a glorified piece of plywood with a sheet on top) and flat-ironing my hair in my husband's hospital room. 

Brandon has probably had Crohn's for years and we just didn't know it. The poor guy thought that was "his normal" and just lived with it. The surgeon told us that after surgery, he wouldn't know what to think, he was probably going to feel that good. He said, "In all actuality, you probably don't know what good feels like." I think he's probably right.

Brandon has lived with stomach pain and discomfort for years and while we tried different things - gluten free diet, cutting out sodas, going to a GI doc - nothing seemed to help. Then in March, when we landed in the hospital, he had a complete small bowel obstruction. From years of scar tissue build up and inflammation. I am overcome with sadness for this man. Years. Have you known anyone who has dealt with pain for years? Now you do - Brandon.

They say that the severity at which he experienced his Crohn's flare up this year was triggered by stress. He might have gone years and years with no obstruction had we not experienced the life change that we did this year. He would have endured years of pain and we wouldn't have known it was Crohn's disease. He would have continued to grin and bear it... and the thought of that chills me.

Earlier this year we questioned the severe turn our lives took and begged God to help us handle our new circumstances with grace. We wanted to ask why. Why were things happening the way they were, but we knew better. Because the God we serve is a good God. One who will never put more on us than in us to bear it up. One who cared enough to name each star, and cares for us that much more.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and boy are things coming into focus now! We are thrilled with where our lives are now - other than being in the hospital! - and know that God was and is knitting things together for our good. This last year hasn't been easy, and things are certainly not the same, but we have been stretched and grown so much and we have seen the mighty hand of our Savior at work, with a front row seat!

We covet your prayers for our family during this time and have been overwhelmed by the love of our family and friends. I will continue to post specific prayer requests, because I believe in "you have not because you ask not!"

Today, please join with us as we pray for the following:

• Complete healing!! 
• Clarity and wisdom for his team of doctors
• minimal (or NO) pain and nausea
• a peace about having surgery
• that our boys can maintain some sense of normalcy
• for safety as family and friends travel to and from the hospital
• that our anxiety about other things (finances, work, scheduling etc) would be lessened
• that we can maintain positive attitudes and continue to glorify Christ

Father's Day Thank You

Father's Day Thank You

In the spirit of Father's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little thank you to the amazing guy my sons call Dad.

I remember that night - the first night - and how it felt like the catalyst. The catalyst to something greater, but something I couldn't quite see clearly yet. The night air was crisp and I saw the lights of the football stadium like pinpoints all around. You were calm and collected and I was a warm ball of nerves. I knew it was the beginning, and I was so excited I could barely stand it.

Fast forward several years, 1 wedding, 2 states and 2 apartments and a house later and there I was, trembling again. This time hovered in the bathroom of our perfect little first house, our home, so early that it was still dark out. I was pacing back and forth the length of the bathroom and when the 3 minutes was finally up, I took a deep breath and finally let myself look. Two lines and a very loud squeal! I remember being so upset with myself because I had planned to tell you with a pair of UNC booties - size 1 of course - and a note from the baby, but instead, here I was, squealing and giggling and flinging myself on top of the bed, waking you up before the sun because I just couldn't contain my excitement. We were going to have a BABY! I don't think I'll soon forget the laughing and crying and hugging and kissing each other that morning.

I'll never forget the day you became a dad for the first time, or how you've so tenderly fathered our sons since that first day.

I hope I also never forget today... the moment where I stood over the kitchen counter, fingers slimy and sticky from pulling the last remnants of chicken off of the bones of the rotisserie chicken, listening to that beautiful small voice outside calling out "Dad, Dad, wait up! I can help you!"And by "help you" he means that he'll chase you around with his toddler sized mower, calling out your name, and interrupting the real business of mowing the grass over and over. By "help you", he means that he'll make the process take about twice as long, and you'll have to worry about him getting near the road, or too close to the real mower, or trying to wield your weed eater in the confines of the garage. You'll do your best to read his lips, since you can barely hear his little voice over the sound of the mower, and he's desperately desperately trying to get your attention.

I hope the chicken isn't too salty, because I couldn't help myself from crying over the counter listening to the beautiful relationship that is father/son through the kitchen window. If I have become numb to it lately, shame on me, for it is far to beautiful to overlook. I started writing this post in my head as I separated chicken from bone and looked for a matching tupperware lid.

I know we laugh about how much you don't get a break because there's a 3 year old clinging to your back, or climbing over your legs, or trying to get you in a headlock, but cherish it, because I know is is a fleeting moment in time. In just 10 short years, our son will be almost 14, and that will mean that he'll probably feel too cool to want to wrestle with you, and he'll be long done with the days of a tickle fest. In 10 years, he won't scramble quite as fast to find his shoes to play ball outside, and he'll probably be done with wanting you to sleep with him "for a lil while" at night.

I watch him eagerly await your consent to play ball with him, and giggle to myself when I see him do things exactly like you do. Like when he marched out of our room the other day right behind you saying "See Dad, I have basketball shorts just like you, and a basketball shirt just like you too!" I enjoy listening to you explain things to our son, and watching the wheels turn in his little mind.

So this is my Father's Day thank you to you, Brandon. Thank you for loving our sons and for committing to molding them into caring, loving, considerate your men, just like you. My challenge to you, in the sometimes difficult days of parenting a toddler, is to clamor at the feet of Our Father, to learn and seek wisdom, in the same way that our sons clamor for your attention, ready to learn and soak up everything you have to teach them. These days will soon vanish and be but a whisper of a memory, so here's to putting aside the less important things, and focusing on the 2 young men who carry your namesake.

Happy Father's Day, my love. Know that you are abundantly loved.

Mother's Day Prayer

This was my first Mother's Day with 2 babies... yes TWO! I can't believe I have 2 kids. This is where one stops and asks "is this real life?" I'm so lucky!

Every year, Paxton's school does a Mother's Day program, where the kids sing songs from chapel and cute little "mother's day" songs too. Then we go and have "muffins with mom" in their classroom. I was excited about this year's program because Paxton is such a ham, and loves to be on stage so I couldn't wait to see him perform his little songs. Brandon and I were trying to coordinate getting there (me from work and him with Maverick) so that we could get good seats for the program. I ended up running a little later than I wanted and was pleasantly surprised and very happy to see that Brandon had gotten there in enough time to save us front row seats! Woohoo!

The program began and like any good preschool parent would do, we were juggling taking pictures, feeding the baby puffs, and trying to video. It was just as I thought it would be - hilarious, and so very very cute. There was of course, one child whose hysterics did not allow him to stay on stage, and then there was my child... who practically shouted from stage "Hi Mom! I'm so glad you're here!" The entire audience giggled over my child's sweet (and pretty loud) "hello's" and his adorable handwaving and thumbs up-ing. He will be on stage someday, somehow, doing something, I'm sure of it. He's not aware of the "audience" at all, at least not in the sense that he should feel reserved in any way. He does all the motions to all the songs full out and sings his little heart out.

And then Mr. Brian came up to the front and with the microphone started talking about the children and what fun they had in Chapel this year - Mr. Brian leads Chapel every week and is loved by all the children - and began to talk about how he was very excited to have a certain child pray for us this morning.

And that child was mine!

I was delighted! And shocked! And I couldn't stop the giggles or the tears because my heart was bursting with pride and with love for this shaggy headed little boy who made his was to the microphone and began to pray. My son was picked out of all of the other children in his school to pray!

I will update this post with the video when I can! You'll definitely want to see it! :)

Burlap Ring Bearer Pillow and A Rustic Wedding

Recently my mother-in-law got married (isn't she beautiful?!) and wanted a rustic themed wedding and I was excited to help decorate. I hand made the burlap ring bearer pillows that my son and nephew carried in her wedding and loved the way the rustic theme came together. 

Here's my son carrying one of the burlap pillows I made.

I was going to buy the ring bearer pillows off of Etsy, but they were so expensive and I thought it would be a nicer touch if I made them anyways. Plus, she could have them as a keepsake afterwards and they would go well with the decor in her home. The other thing is that I just got a sewing machine for Christmas and have been all about sewing crafts and different DIY projects. I wasn't sure about sewing burlap but I managed to sew the edges of the burlap pillows and then used a hot glue gun for the rest of the details. The thing about working with burlap, is that you'll want to start with a little more than you think you'll need because it frays very easily at the edges and sometimes the piece I'm working with ends up a touch smaller than I had originally planned. 

Here's the other ring bearer - my nephew! - carrying the other pillow.

If you want to make burlap pillows (for a wedding, or just for awesome rustic decor in your home), get some burlap and then some lace and you can get pretty creative with how you decorate them. I've seen some with lace around the edges but I knew my mother-in-law didn't want that so I just made some lace rosettes and some burlap flowers, both very easy to do, especially if you have a hot glue gun handy. 

Burlap Ring Bearer Pillow #1:

Burlap Ring Bearer Pillows 1 and 2:

Here I am with my hubs and our sweet little ring bearer!

What do you think of the pillows? Yay or nay? 

Have you ever made pillows out of burlap before? Tips? 

A break in the blogging hiatus

Shame on me for not blogging the most recent moments of our lives! Can I beg the "I've been so busy" excuse? Well, really the only one losing here is me, for I love going back and reading my memories and I won't have some of the precious times written down! Ugh! Anyways, lamenting aside, let me begin...

Maverick is 8 months old... 8.months.old. Where in the world did the last 8 months of my life go? I'm not quite sure, but they quickly slipped away! Maverick has just progressed from the "army crawl" to lifting his belly off the ground and crawling in the last week. We've had to baby proof and now we're busier than ever, making sure he's not crawling out the door or pulling the toilet paper off the roll (YAY for that stage again! lol). He's got 4 teeth, 2 on the bottom, 2 on top, with a 5th tooth poking through on top. Brandon taught him how to clap and its the most precious sight. Those chubby arms lift up and those fat fingers come together, making no sound, but the smile on his face is deafening! Its adorable! He's certainly very pleased with himself and revels in the praise we give him.

I've been making all of his baby food and so far he's had avocado, sweet potato, bananas, green beans, butternut squash, apples, pumpkin, and blueberry. His favorites are sweet potatoes and bananas, so I end up mixing a lot of strange concoctions! He gets very excited when its time to eat and gets mad when its all gone. He now eats puffs too and we've tried yogurt melts but they are strawberry flavored and I honestly think he doesn't like them because they are strawberry! Paxton never liked anything strawberry flavored when he was Maverick's age! Crazy!

Paxton is 3 and half years old. He can spell his full name and can write it too! He was recently chosen to pray for the Mother's Day Program at school out of all of the children there and it was the most adorable surprise I could have ever wished for for Mother's Day! I was so proud of him I cried all day on and off! He wasn't nervous and didn't bat an eye in front of all those people. Then, when he was finished, he got back in his place, turned to me with a thumbs up and said "I did a good job Mom!" How.Precious. #butreally

This has been a crazy season in our lives and I'm determined to document how God is moving. I honestly get excited thinking about our future because we've got such a crazy unreal story already, its just got to have a great ending. How can it not?! Ever the optimist, I guess, but part of that is that God is teaching me to trust Him and have faith that He is in control.

More to come, I promise. More to come...