Thankful Things Aren't Worse

After my last post about ending our crazy 2014, I got an overwhelming amount of responses from you. It took a long time to go through and process the comments, messages and texts from everyone and I've spent a long time thinking back through what I wrote.

My reaction to a few of the responses was immediate guilt. I confessed to Brandon that I felt guilty for even writing any of our story down because we could have had it so much worse. Memories of my friends who lost precious babies flashed through my mind. I thought of one friend who said goodbye to her sweet mama this year and my problems immediately shrank. My mind drifted to those that I know who are battling cancer - who are weak and tired and sick from chemo and radiation and surgery.

A friend of mine sent me a message and told me this:

It's hard to bring yourself to a place of such faithfulness that you can be thankful that things aren't worse, instead of wishing they were better. There's a big difference between the two! 

That struck such a chord with me and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it. I struggled with this before this year... I would find myself wishing things were better (or different) instead of thanking God that things weren't worse. After the year we had, I've found I don't have time to wish things were better, but I've been overwhelmed with praise and thankfulness that we've had the trials we've had, and not worse ones! To my friend who put it so eloquently, thank you!

I think I will silently relive pieces of our year for a long time... how could I not?! The moments I wrote about feel so fresh and real that they could have happened yesterday. I think we're supposed to remember moments like those so we can grow and move forward. 

In one short year, I saw my husband both confident in the hard work and long hours he was putting in at work, and weak and begging for help from a post-op hospital bed. Have you ever seen your other half so vulnerable it makes you cry? It is a humbling moment for sure. I wiped salty tears from my cheeks while I watched my tall (dark and handsome too!) sweet husband writhe in that hospital bed, begging me to make it stop. He never spoke above a whisper, but quietly pleaded with me to help him. The wires he was hooked up to led to machines that beeped and hummed with what seemed like the very sounds of his pain. I grieved for I could not make it better. 

Parts of our year seem fuzzy around the edges, almost like they were bits of a dream, instead of what we really went through. I think God dulls the sharp edges of the harsh times, so that we can still stomach the memories of them, long after they're over. To be quite honest, I still can hardly believe that I spent several nights pumping breast milk for my baby, and laying on a fold out hospital chair-bed to sleep, inches from my husband's IV pole. 

Was that even reality? 

It was ours for a brief time, and I can't seem to express my gratitude enough for God's grace to us during the past year.

Happy New Year

2014 was quite the year. The irony of the situation is that we thought 2013 was eventful. Ha. Haha. Hahahhahahaha. That's so funny now. In 2013, we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd baby, put our house on the market, sold our house, moved in with my mother-in-law, began building a house, gave birth to baby Maverick, merged churches, and totaled my car.

Phew. I know. I'm exhausted just thinking about it too.

Oh, but wait. 2014 was more jam-packed and eventful than that. Here's the abbreviated version:

In 2014 we moved into our new house, bought a new car, found out in January that my department at work was going to be dissolved at the end of the school year, Brandon lost his job in the middle of February, Brandon was hospitalized and diagnosed with Chron's Disease in March, the week before I lost my job I accepted a position at a new company, we searched for a church, found a church, and fell in love with a church. Brandon got a job driving a forklift (hated every moment but bless his heart, worked 2nd shift every night anyways), we both turned 30, our sons turned 4 and 1, and Brandon got a job with a dental lab and almost a month in had another intestinal blockage, was hospitalized and had surgery to remove 18 inches of his small bowel. He was out of work for weeks, and he was hired part-time bi-vocationally with Restoration Church.

Phewwww.

This post could be so long. Seriously. I have so much to say about the year and am so emotional about the year coming to a close. Over the last few weeks, yes, I've thought about Christmas and the busyness of the holidays, but over and over, I've thought most about how the craziest year of our lives is coming to a close. My throat gets thick with emotion when I think about what we've been through. I think about the ugly cries I've cried, the screams the inside of my poor car has endured, and the knots in my stomach I've tried to banish.

There are moments in this year I'll never forget. Like the day I met Brandon for lunch and sat in the warm sun by the window, only to cry a puddle onto my chicken salad sandwich and shake from cold and fear when he told me he'd lost his job. Have you ever had the world crash into itself because it came to such an abrupt halt? Like a pickup truck putting on the brakes too late and slamming into the back of an SUV? That's what our world did during lunch that day. February 17th. Most people don't know the whole story, and probably never will, and that's ok. I think its probably supposed to stay that way. Just be sympathetic and understand that our perfectly-in-order-world came crashing to a stop, and veered on a drastically different path that day, not by choice, but by divine intervention.

Even though that moment was clearly the most wrecking moment of our year - and possibly our lives - we wouldn't change a thing. You see, after that moment - the one where I couldn't bring myself to eat tear-soaked chicken salad - we were pushed down a different path and we would have never ended up here - this place where we're so grateful and humble - if we hadn't lived that one moment. It was the catalyst to the rest of our lives.

That moment bleeds into the next big one... the one where I begged Brandon to just make it down the stairs and into the car, because if I could get him in the car, I could get him to the hospital, but I knew I wouldn't be able to carry him, so he had to walk. The moment where I listened through the bathroom door to my husband vomit until there was nothing left, anxious and trembling, barely able to hold the phone up and talk to my mother-in-law. The moment when, stomach clenched and hands sweaty, the doctor revealed that my husband - my strong and able husband - would be admitted to the hospital for an intestinal blockage and a Crohn's diagnosis. That moment where I literally felt like it was an out of body experience, walking behind my husband's stretcher as he was wheeled to his inpatient hospital room.

Those moments gave our boys 5 months with their daddy at home during the day, just when we needed childcare. God is so good, isn't He?! His timing is perfect and His stories are perfect-fitting puzzle pieces. Just when our world had turned upside down, God gave our precious boys what they needed most in the world - time with their daddy. We cherish this part of 2014. What a blessing.

Then there was the moment late in May when my anxiety was rising, my hair was falling out, and my stomach was sinking. I knew my job was ending at the end of May and I had applied and interviewed for so many jobs, and none of them seemed to work out for one reason or another... there was that moment, exactly 9 days before I was to be without a job, when I was offered a job at an amazing company... just 5 minutes down the road. The day before our family left to go on a vacation that we had planned and paid for before all the chaos in our year happened. The day before I surely would have lost my mind with worry. The day before my trust wavered. The day before I doubted our story. God's timing is perfect. Oh what beautiful timing. I was able to enjoy our vacation... thank you Lord, for you are good!

There was a moment in August, when, incredulously, my husband looked at me with trepidation and asked me to take him back to the hospital. Exhausted from vomiting and anguish, crippled with fear because we had no insurance, and pale with worry, my poor sweet husband got into the car, and we made an eerily similar trek to the hospital as we had done just 5 months before. That moment bled into the next, when I got a phone call at work that Brandon was being transferred to UNC Hospitals in Chapel Hill. Oh my dear good Lord, why?! Because he was to have major abdominal surgery, by the best GI surgeon in the state, that's why. With no insurance, remember... Oh, Lord, how does this piece fit in the puzzle?! Because we just don't see it!

One of my favorite moments of the year was another phone call moment. Put your seat belt on folks, because this moment will blow you away! I got a phone call from Brandon at work, telling me that a large portion of the bill will most likely be removed. 

I had wracked my brain thinking of ways to make money, think of things to cut out, how to cut back, and God decided to take a large portion of the bills away.

We still owe a lot of money (co-pays, deductibles, co-insurances, and credit card bills from paying out of pocket expenses all summer for Brandon's care and medications), but praise be to God, it's not $100 grand like it was!!!

**Update from the original post: I want to add that we covet your continued prayers over this situation. Please join with us as we trust the Lord in taking care of our finances because we know that this is His handiwork and we believe He wants to take care of the bills. We will continue to update as the Lord provides and I will add back the most amazing part of this story once things are finalized. 

God's timing is perfect.

See, we would have never come to trust Him as we've done over the past year if we hadn't lived these moments. We would not have grown closer together and experienced true desperation, fear, and joy as a couple if the story were any different. We would not be the people we are today - stronger, more humble, more gracious - if we had lived easier, more simple moments. Our faith would not have been tested and grown if our 2014 had been different than it was.

James 1:2-4 says this: Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Its hard to think about me jumping for joy when my husband was undergoing major surgery, or when we get medical bills in the mail EVERY DAY, but I know this: we're not the same people we were. And Romans 5:3 says Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

It was definitely a character building year. 

I cried, and I prayed, and I begged God for help. I also experienced the most supernatural calm I can't begin to explain. We had an army of friends - near and far - lifting us up in prayer, and we are so grateful for each and every one of you. While we rejoice at the close of 2014, our eyes are turned expectantly to 2015 and we are taking what we learned this past year and with the best of intentions, are trying to launch our best selves forward into our new world. 

We know that the best year of our lives is ahead of us. So long, 2014, we're getting off your roller coaster and embracing 2015 with open arms. 

Happy New Year, friends. Oh I'm so happy its a new year! 

Raw

Over the last year, I feel as though I've been stretched and grown more than I have been in a long time. I've also felt more self-aware and in tune with what I'm feeling and how God is speaking to me.

One thing I've been trying to put my finger on is a feeling that I've had over the last few weeks. See, I have close friends who have recently had miscarriages. I have friends whose marriages are struggling and rocky. I have friends recently diagnosed with cancer. I have friends dealing with loss, and one of my friends was just given the news that the doctors have nothing more they can do for her mom, who is dying with cancer.

I've cried tears - at times doing the "ugly cry" - for these friends. My heart aches. My mind can't stop thinking about how they're hurting. My thoughts run into prayers and my prayers into begging. I feel exposed and vulnerable... raw.

My heart feels raw with the hurt I feel for these friends. It stings to think about them again... because, well, I'm raw. I want so desperately to ease their hurt, to ease their fears, to come up with the right words.

The verse that comes to mind is Lamentations 3:22-23:

"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness."

Because while I can't bring back those precious babies, or take the cancer away, or heal the hurt, God won't allow us to be consumed. It won't ever be too much. It might feel like too much at times, but as dark as it seems, morning always comes, and with morning comes new mercies!

To my sweet girlfriends who have experienced loss in a way that breaks my heart, hold on loves, God is cradling you in His arms and asking you to let Him comfort you and be strength supernatural.

To my dear friend whose mom is sick and facing death, find rest in Him. He knows that this feels like too much to bear, but the beauty in this tragedy is that He is molding you and shaping you to endure whatever this long road may entail. You are stronger than you realize, and you are loved more than you know. Your friends cry tears of sorrow and anguish for you, and we are begging God for mercy on your behalf.

To my friends with rocky marriages, with despair in your hearts and sadness in your eyes, lean on Him, for He will direct your paths. Christ intends for us to have life and life abundantly so seek His guidance in restoring your love for one another.

Oh friends, my cheeks are wet with tears once again, as I feel hopeless to help. I hope I can adequately put feet to my emotions, because I desperately want to walk with you during your time of pain, of sorrow, or of grief.

Maybe one day, this won't feel so raw.

Post Hospital Update

We are a week and a half post hospital stay. Home has never been sweeter and never felt so good to Brandon. I would say that other than the patches of hair missing from his arms from where the iv tape ripped it out, he's like his old self, but that just wouldn't be true.

He stands up a little slower, turns a little more gingerly, and has to stop and rest often. He's very aware of the incision that sits right at belt level on his stomach and we quickly became paranoid about any sudden movements the boys made while near Brandon. He's also quickly become quite joyful at the fact that he can eat and isn't in monstrous pain anymore. In fact, just the other day he said to me "hey babe... I think that in a couple of weeks I'm gonna feel like a million bucks!"

Praise. The. Lord!

He has a follow-up appointment in a few weeks with the surgeon, and then one with a new GI doc to talk about a plan for managing the Crohn's. Until that time, he is to pay close attention to what his body can and cannot tolerate, and his only "real" restriction is that he cannot lift more than 10 pounds.

He has had minimal pain and nausea since we've been home and we are so grateful because we've heard stories of quite the opposite. He tires easily and this is very frustrating to him, since he feels better than before, yet his body is still limiting him in what he can do. He gains stamina and strength each day and I can tell he has improved tremendously since discharge day.

We have been showered in love, and prayer, and blessings through this entire ordeal. We have run into people around town who tell us they've been praying for us, had meals paid for, enjoyed delicious dinners, and received generous gifts. Perhaps the best gift of all has been knowing how loved we are and how our God has carefully held us in the palm of His hand through the last month.

I can't seem to find the words to say thank you, but please know, that the sincerest breathe of thanks is on our lips at all times. We felt our community swell up around us and shelter us in our time of need. I think some of you cried my tears and prayed my prayers so that I wouldn't have to bear it alone. Thank you.

Day 11 Hospital Update

Can you believe Brandon has been in the hospital for 11 days?! That's crazy! I have frequently asked myself over the last 11 days "is this real life?!" because I can hardly believe that this is our reality.

But yall... Brandon is doing so good!

His IV line was disconnected (but left in just in case), his pain ball was removed (a snazzy little contraption that was delivering additional pain medication thru a tiny little tube into his stomach right at the surgery site), he's eating food - real food! - and he's walking laps around the nurses' station! Oh, and he's showered and dressed too!

So far so good... and this may be TMI but once things get a movin' and a groovin' through his system (if ya know what I mean), then the surgeon is going to evaluate and he might get to go home!

We are thriiiiiilled at the possibility of him coming home this week! He misses the boys something fierce and I know we'll all sleep better once we're together again! Plus, we're kind of over this whole hospital experience. I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone has been great. Even the housekeeper (Hannah) stopped me in the hall today and said she missed getting to see me yesterday and wanted to know if I had a good day (yeah - we bonded!). But seriously, I won't miss these things:

• sleeping on a "chair/bed" aka a piece of plywood with plether stretched over it that converts into a "sleeping" surface
• fixing my hair in the hospital room
• pumping in the hospital room (and just finally not caring if a nurse or NA walked in while I pumped)
• trying to figure out how to keep said breastmilk cold for extended periods of time after I pumped and before I would get to go home again
• watching my hubby be in pain
• watching my hubby worry
• having to pay to park to visit my husband
• worrying about how the boys are doing not seeing their daddy
• worrying about how the boys will do seeing their daddy in the hospital
• worrying about my hubby while I'm with the boys
• freaking out about germs while being in the hospital
• worrying about work while in the hospital
• worrying about irritating people with my updates
• worrying about imposing on people and accepting copious amounts of help from my friends

Pray with us for discharge from the hospital soon! Continue to pray for no complications and no infection as well. 

In other news, this video made Brandon's day. By the time I got to the hospital today, he had shown all the nurses :) 

Our Very Own Rainbow

Tonight I took the kids to visit Brandon at the hospital. I was excited to learn that on Monday nights, the volunteers bring dinner for guests of patients so our dinner was provided! What a nice surprise!

After the free dinner, things just went south. Brandon started to really not feel good and Paxton was irritable from not having a full nap today. Maverick is cutting a molar and was NOT excited so needless to say, we didn't stay long and told daddy goodbye so we could get home and he could get some rest.

When we got down to the lobby, I looked outside and saw that it was pouring down rain. Not just raining... the heavens absolutely let loose and it was pouring! I decided we would walk the length of the hospital and go out the far doors so we could walk on the bridge that was covered the entire way to the parking deck. We were almost out the second set of sliding doors when the biggest bolt of lightning and loudest crack of thunder I'd ever heard snapped right in front of us. Paxton turned around and bolted back inside and I'm pretty sure I came off the ground a few inches.

Twenty minutes later, I finally convinced Paxton to exit the building, even though it was still storming and we clutched hands while we scurried to the parking deck. I told him how brave he was all the way to the car and all the way down the road. Halfway home, the skies in front of me were bright and sunny - even though it was still raining - and behind me was black. I looked over my left shoulder and saw the biggest and brightest rainbow I'd ever seen. I immediately got Paxton's attention and he looked in awe as I realized this was the first real rainbow he had seen.

"Paxton, do you see that rainbow?!"

"Mom! Its our own rainbow!!! Just for us!"

It was so beautiful and so timely, I was down with claiming it for ourselves too!

Then he said, "Look at that Mom! What do you think it is? I think its God!"

It seems a little cliche, but I can't make this stuff up. With the storm and the hospital in my rearview mirror, and a rainbow and the sunshine in front of me, I couldn't help but think about how that's how things are looking these days... storm behind us, sunshine and rainbows up ahead!

Sunday Update

Today didn't seem that busy, but yet here I am at 9:00 tonight wondering where the day went.

Last night we didn't get much sleep, between the post-surgery discomfort and pains, the nurses coming in to check vitals and give medications, and having to help Brandon get up and use the bathroom. We saw every hour and then some.

Today, he sat up a lot and we walked the halls a few times! Let me just tell you... between that sexy gown, and those smokin' hospital non-slip socks, I practically have to beat the nurses off of him with a stick as we loop the nurses' station. Add in the fact that his arms have splotches of hair missing from the nurses ripping wads of arm hair out from removing IV tape and I can barely keep myself from kissing him every 5 seconds! - insert laughter here - Because, if we didn't laugh sometimes, we'd cry.

But seriously, Brandon is doing great. He looks great, even though I've been giving him a hard time about his sexy hospital socks, he knows I'm kidding and just trying to lift his spirits. I'm so proud of him, because I know how much he still hurts and yet he's doing exactly as the doctors have ordered and he's up and moving trying to help things heal.

Brandon has to do these special breathing exercises 30 times each day to help prevent pneumonia, and he has to walk to help "wake up his intestines." I know he's weak from not eating for over a week, but he's been a champ. Even Vivian (remember Viv?!) told him he's been such a champ, that she wrote "CHAMP" on his whiteboard in his room where his name goes.

Drumroll...

Today Brandon got moved to soft foods! He was so excited to eat that as soon as the orders were entered into the computer, we got on the phone with dining services and got his tray ordered. He ate a few bites of mashed potatoes and mac and cheese, a bite of a biscuit, and a bite of a blueberry muffin. After that first bite of mashed potatoes, Brandon paused and let out an "oooooooooooooh, those are THE BEST mashed potatoes I've ever had!" and we shared a good laugh, because c'mon, they were hospital mashed potatoes.

Hopefully tomorrow his surgeon will come by and tell us what the plan is looking like from here but we do know that day 3 post surgery is the worst day. Please pray for Brandon tomorrow as his body goes through changes and pains that are supposedly really awful. His body is adjusting to and recovering from the trauma it underwent and now that we've introduced solid foods, it is going to wreak havoc on his poor insides. He is really nervous about how painful it will be so I know he will appreciate you praying for him as you think about him tomorrow.

I have to say that my list of people to thank is growing longer by the day, and that the encouragement I have received from our friends has been overwhelming. Your sweet words have helped keep our spirits high and we love you.

A sweet friend sent me this video this morning and I want to share it with all of you. It is beautiful.